The Daily Parker

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Scotsman picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPI' I' OOT, SPI' I' OOT YE BASTARD!!!"

Submitted by reader C.K.

Your momma is so fat:

• When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
• When she dances she makes the band skip.
• When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
• Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
• Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
• Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
• She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
• The shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds.
• The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
• "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
• All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR your mama"
• When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
• She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
• She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
• She could sell shade.
• When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
• She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
• She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
• Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (i.e., a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him, "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

Submitted by reader C.K.

A small, two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Arkansas. The Arkansas State Police have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.

Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was—a picture of Jesus on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."

The old man immediately met with his three sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.

A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was—a picture of the same cross, empty, with Jesus crumpled on the ground below...and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."

Submitted by reader C.K.

The Bible offers a number of alternatives to the bar scene and personal ads for those men wishing to settle down and marry:

• Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
• Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses, Exodus 2:16-21)
• Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz, Ruth 4:5-10)
• Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites, Judges 21:19-25)
• Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. (Adam, Genesis 2:19-24)
• Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right: fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob, Genesis 29:15-30)
• Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David, 1 Samuel 18:27)
• Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) (Cain, Genesis 4:16-17)
• Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus, Esther 2:3-4)
• When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." (Samson, Judges 14:1-3)
• Kill any husband and take his wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David, 2 Samuel 11)
• Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) (Onana and Boaz, Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
• Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon, 1 Kings 11:1-3)

Submitted by reader J.S.

A guy decides that he might like to have a pet and makes a visit to the pet store. After browsing around the store, the man spots a parrot sitting up on his perch; although, it appears the parrot has no feet or legs!

The guy says out loud, "Gee, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," replied the parrot. "I'm defective."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word you said." replied the parrot. "I am highly intelligent and thoroughly educated."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you keep from falling of your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little bit embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around my perch like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand me can't you?"

"Of course. I am fluent in both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy, and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$2000!" he says. "I can't afford that!"

"Psst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer."

The guy offers the store owner $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by and the parrot is a sensation. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he is sympathetic, and he gives good advise. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "psst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes over to the parrot. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What is it?!"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asked the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began touching her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then the mailman lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly moving down..."

The parrot pauses for a long time.

"Well, what happened next?!"

"I don't know," says the Parrot, "I fell off my perch."

Submitted by reader B.P.

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the craziest thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy.

Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Other than beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, day after day, sat under the same palm tree.

One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Piña Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor-sharp. Next he showered--not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom--and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Piña Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail?"

Submitted by reader C.K.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study Torah a little more, and get your hair cut, and we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study. Father said, "Son, I've been really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied Torah diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair!"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Submitted by reader C.K.

Life on the Mississippi

Chapter 17: Cut-offs

[I now have] an opportunity of introducing one of the Mississippi's oddest peculiarities--that of shortening its length from time to time. If you will throw a long, pliant apple-paring over your shoulder, it will pretty fairly shape itself into an average section of the Mississippi River, that is, the nine or ten hundred miles stretching from Cairo, Ill., southward to New Orleans, the same being wonderfully crooked, with a brief straight bit here and there at wide intervals. The two-hundred-mile stretch from Cairo northward to St. Louis is by no means so crooked, that being a rocky country which the river cannot cut much.

The water cuts the alluvial banks of the "lower" river into deep horseshoe curves; so deep, indeed, that in some places if you were to get ashore at one extremity of the horseshoe and walk across the neck, half or three-quarters of a mile, you could sit down and rest a couple of hours while your steamer was coming around the long elbow at a speed of ten miles an hour to .take you on board again When the river is rising fast, some scoundrel whose plantation is back in the country, and therefore of inferior value, has only to watch his chance, cut a little gutter across the narrow neck of land some dark night, and turn the water into it, and in a wonderfully short time a miracle has happened: to wit, the whole Mississippi has taken possession of that little ditch, and placed the countryman's plantation on its bank (quadrupling its value), and that other party's formerly valuable plantation finds itself away out yonder on a big island; the old watercourse around it will soon shoal up, boats cannot approach within ten miles of it, and down goes its value to a fourth of its former worth. Watches are kept on those narrow necks at needful times, and if a man happens to be caught cutting a ditch across them, the chances are all against his ever having another opportunity to cut a ditch.

Pray observe some of the effects of this ditching business. Once there was a neck opposite Port Hudson, Louisiana, which was only half a mile across in its narrowest place. You could walk across there in fifteen minutes; but if you made the journey around the cape on a raft, you traveled thirty-five miles to accomplish the same thing. In 1722 the river darted through that neck, deserted its old bed, and thus shortened itself thirty-five miles. In the same way it shortened itself twenty-five miles at Black Hawk Point in 1699. Below Red River Landing, Raccourci cut-off was made forty or fifty years ago (I think). This shortened the river twenty-eight miles. In our day, if you travel by river from the southernmost of these three cut-offs to the northernmost, you go only seventy miles. To do the same thing a hundred and seventy-six years ago, one had to go a hundred and fifty-eight miles--a shortening of eighty-eight miles in that trifling distance. At some forgotten time in the past, cut-offs were made above Vidalia, Louisiana, at Island 92, at Island 84, and at Hale's Point. These shortened the river, in the aggregate, seventy-seven miles.

Since my own day on the Mississippi, cut-offs have been made at Hurricane Island, at Island 100, at Napoleon, Arkansas, at Walnut Bend, and at Council Bend, These shortened the river, in the aggregate, sixty-seven miles. In my own time a cut-off was made at American Bend, which shortened the river ten miles or more.

Therefore the Mississippi between Cairo and New Orleans was twelve hundred and fifteen miles long, one hundred and seventy-six years ago. It was eleven hundred and eighty after the cut-off of 1722. It was one thousand and forty after the American Bend cut-off. It has lost sixty-seven miles since. Consequently, its length is only nine hundred and seventy-three miles at present. Now, if I wanted to be one of those ponderous scientific people, and "let on" to prove what had occurred in the remote past by what had occurred in a given time in the recent past, or what will occur in the far future by what has occurred in late years, what an opportunity is here! Geology never had such a chance, nor such exact data to argue from! Nor "development of species," either! Glacial epochs are great things, but they are vague-vague. Please observe:

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Lower Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. That is an average of a trifle over one mile and a third per year. Therefore, any calm person, who is not blind or idiotic, can see that in the Old Oölitic Siluian Period, just a million years ago next November, the Lower Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long, and stuck out over the Gulf of Mexico like a fishing-rod. And by the same token any person can see that seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Lower Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long, and Cairo and New Orleans will have joined their streets together, and be plodding comfortably along under a single mayor and a mutual board of aldermen. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

First published in 1882 by Samuel Clemens. Copyright in the public domain.