The Daily Parker

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman at a nearby table.

She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note reads:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends a reply to her, which reads:

"I happen to have a Ferrari Testarossa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; and I have a net worth well over twenty-million dollars. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

Submitted by reader M.G.

A very good and pious Jewish man, Samuel Goldberg, dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.

When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time...nothing but mitzvahs. Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."

The angel thought for a moment and then says, "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to be anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."

The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his apartment. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, an 85 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his apartment. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.

Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on. Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've done."

Submitted by reader M.B.

The Jewish community in Madrid needed horseradish for making chrain (horseradish) for Pesach, but all the European Union countries gave them the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send."

In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by air freight to Madrid.

Two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Aleph tear-jerking Israeli (chrain) horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the next El Al flight to Madrid, and all seemed to be well.

Unfortunately, when the Rabbi went to the Madrid Airport to claim the horseradish he was informed that a wildcat strike had just broken out and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days.

As a result, the chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.

Submitted by reader M.B.

Algorithm

\al-go-rhythm\ Tempo with which the ex-Vice President does the Macarena

Arbitrator

\ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ A cook who quits Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable

\uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney

\buh-lo'-nee' \ Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette

\burn'-a-det' \ The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize

\bur'-gler-ize' \ What a crook sees with

Colin Powell

Nickname of Doctor Powell, the prominent proctologist

Control

\kon'-trol\ A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters

\kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Define

\de-fine\ What de judge levels against de defendant

Dick Cheney

\dik-chainy\ Series of tiny metal links encircling the male organ during kinky sex

Eyedropper

\i'-drop-ur\ A clumsy ophthalmologist

George Bush

The pubic area of President Washington

Heroes

\hee-rhos'\ What a guy in a small boat does

Left Bank

\left' bangk' \ What the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Marc Rich

What Samuel L. Clemens' parents boasted when he received his first royalty check for Huckleberry Finn

Misty

\mis-tee' \ How golfers create divots

Parasites

\par'-ih-sites' \ What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

Pharmacist

\farm'-uh-sist \ A helper on the farm

Polarize

\po'-lur-ize' \ What penguins see with

Primate

\pri'-mate' \ Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief

\ree-leef' \ What trees do in the spring

Selfish

\sel'-fish' \ What the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued

\sub-dood' \ Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed

\sood'-a-fed' \ Brought litigation against a government official

Submitted by reader M.B.