A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A man walks up and gives the octopus a guitar. The octopus starts playing better than Yngwie Malmsteen, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Chuck Mangione. So the man pays his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye canna play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
Submitted by reader B.P.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but
He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He
decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple
that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple,
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me!
I'd love to oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability.
It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals.
I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write
my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who You give that gift to,
let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told
God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it.
It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she
really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his
misdirection while in a vertical
position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting
down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into His bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here?
Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..."
Submitted by reader M.B.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 m.p.h. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma’am," the officer replies, "you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty–two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
Submitted by reader S.P.
Two rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the rednecks, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second redneck.
"Sorry, it's three," said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one redneck said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
Submitted by reader S.P.
An old woman went to visit her daughter and found her naked, waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"
She responds, "This is the dress of love."
"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."
Submitted by reader S.P.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and
their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the
English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed
in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't
wearing any knickers! The English man stormed over and angrily demanded a reason
for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little
allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The
Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to
Mark and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish man's wife caught
her foot on a mole hill, tripped up and landed in a heap
on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing
that she wasn't wearing and knickers either! The Irish man was
livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot
afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand
into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an
exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing
that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate was the same
as the others: Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand
into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."