Note: A true Southerner has responded
to this piece.
Things you would never hear a Southerner say ever, no matter
how much he’s had to drink, no matter how far from the South he’s wandered
and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...
- I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex
- Duct tape won't fix that
- Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
- We don't keep firearms in this house
- Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
- You can't feed that to the dog
- I thought Graceland was tacky
- No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe
- Wrasslin's fake
- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
- We're vegetarians
- Do you think my hair is too big?
- I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
- Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
- Who's Richard Petty?
- Give me the small bag of pork rinds
- Deer heads detract from the decor
- Spitting is such a nasty habit
- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
- Trim the fat off the steak
- Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
- The tires on that truck are too big
- I'll have the arugula and radacchio salad
- I've got it all on a floppy disk
- Unsweetened tea tastes better
- Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
- My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
- I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
- Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
- She's too old to be wearing a bikini
- Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
- Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen
- I don't have a favorite college team
- Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side
- I believe you cooked those green beans too long
- Those shorts ought to be a little longer
And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say
Submitted by reader M.G.