The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: Mortality

At a small gathering, talk grows serious when a minister asks three men this question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear someone say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear someone say, 'LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!'"

Submitted by reader J.H.

Aviation definitions

Suggest a definition.

These definitions come directly from Federal Aviation Regulations parts 1 and 91, unless noted.

aircraft - large
means aircraft of more than 12,500 pounds maximum certificated takeoff weight.
aircraft - small
means aircraft of 12,500 pounds or less, maximum certificated takeoff weight.
airspeed - calibrated
Indicated airspeed of an aircraft, corrected for position and instrument error. Calibrated airspeed is equal to true airspeed in standard atmosphere at sea level.
airspeed - indicated
means the speed of an aircraft as shown on its pitot static airspeed indicator calibrated to reflect standard atmosphere adiabatic compressible flow at sea level uncorrected for airspeed system errors.
airspeed - true
means the airspeed of an aircraft relative to undisturbed air.
category - aircraft
As used with respect to the certification of aircraft, means a grouping of aircraft based upon intended use or operating limitations. Examples include: transport; normal; utility; acrobatic; limited; restricted; and provisional.
category - pilot certification
As used with respect to the certification, ratings, privileges, and limitations of pilots, means a broad classification of aircraft. Examples include: airplane; rotorcraft; glider; and lighter-than-air.
ceiling
the height above the earth's surface of the lowest layer of clouds or obscuring phenomena that is reported as "broken," "overcast" or "obscuration" and not classified as "thin" or "partial".
CFI
means Certificated Flight Instructor.
class - aircraft
As used with respect to the certification of aircraft, means a broad grouping of aircraft having similar characteristics of propulsion, flight or landing. Examples include: airplane; rotorcraft; glider; balloon; landplane and seaplane.
class - pilot certification
As used with respect to the certification, ratings, privileges, and limitations of airmen, means a classification of aircraft within a category having similar operating characteristics. Examples include: single engine; multiengine; land; water; gyroplane, helicopter; airship; and free balloon.
controlled airspace
means an airspace of defined dimensions within which air traffic control service is provided to IFR flights and to VFR flights in accordance with the airspace classification. Note: Controlled airspace is a generic term that covers Class A, Class B, Class C, Class D, and Class E airspace.
crewmember
means a person assigned to perform duty in an aircraft during flight time.
day
means the period of time between the beginning of morning civil twilight and the end of evening civil twilight. (Implied by FAR 1.)
FAR
Federal Aviation Regulations, Title 14 of the U.S. Code of Federal Regulations.
flight level
means a level of constant atmospheric pressure related to a reference datum of 29.92 inches of mercury (1013.25 hPa). Each is stated in three digits that represent hundreds of feet. For example, flight level 250 represents a barometric altimeter indication of 25,000 feet; flight level 255, an indication of 25,500 feet.
flight plan
means specified information, relating to the intended flight of an aircraft, that is filed orally or in writing with air traffic control.
flight time
means pilot time that commences when an aircraft moves under its own power for the purpose of flight and ends when the aircraft comes to rest after landing.
flight time - cross-country
means flight time on any flight in which the point of departure is a straight-line distance of 92 km (50 Nmi) from the point of arrival. FAR 61.1(b)(3)(ii)(B)

The FARs are unclear about whether this means the point of first arrival or all legs of a round-robin flight, but it appears—and we log it so—that after the first 50 Nmi leg, all subsequent legs of the same flight count as cross-country time. We would appreciate your comments on this point.
flight time - dual
means flight time during which a (CFI) is present. A pilot with the proper certificates and ratings for the aircraft flown may still log pilot in command time while flying dual.
flight time - instrument
A person may log instrument time only for that flight time when the person operates the aircraft solely by reference to instruments under actual or simulated instrument flight conditions. FAR 61.51(g)
flight time - pilot in command
A recreational, private, or commercial pilot may log pilot-in-command time only for that flight time during which that person (i) is the sole manipulator of the controls of an aircraft for which the pilot is rated; (ii) is the sole occupant of the aircraft; or (iii) except for a recreational pilot, is acting as pilot in command of an aircraft on which more than one pilot is required under the type certification of the aircraft or the regulations under which the flight is conducted.

A student pilot may log pilot-in-command time when the student pilot (i) is the sole occupant of the aircraft... (ii) has a current solo flight endorsement as required under FAR 61.87; and (iii) is undergoing training for a pilot certificate or rating. FAR 61.51(e)
flight time - solo
A pilot may log as solo flight time only that flight time when the pilot is the sole occupant of the aircraft. FAR 61.51(d) A supervised solo is a solo flight in which a CFI observes the student from the ground while the student conducts traffic pattern operations.
IFR
Instrument Flight Rules, FAR 91.167 et seq. An IFR flight is a flight for which the pilot files an IFR flight plan and conforms to the appropriate Instrument Flight Rules. It doesn't mean that the pilot can't see the ground, or that the flight even requires instruments. However, any time the pilot does not have a visual reference to the ground, IFR applies. Cf. VFR, MVFR.
IFR conditions
means weather conditions below the minimum for flight under visual flight rules. (Also called "IMC," for "Instrument Meterological Conditions.")
METAR
A meteorological aviation report, formatted according to the Federal Meteorological Handbook.
MSL
Altitude above mean sea level.
MVFR
Marginal Visual Flight Rules. When visibility and ceilings are close to, but not below, VFR minimums, pilots can still fly for certain purposes. Usually pilots can only conduct traffic pattern operations under MVFR.
night
means the time between the end of evening civil twilight and the beginning of morning civil twilight, as published in the American Air Almanac, converted to local time.

When referring to logged flight time, night means the time beginning one hour after sunset and ending one hour before sunrise.
pilotage
means navigation by visual reference to landmarks.
pilot in command
means the person who (1) has final authority and responsibility for the operation and safety of the flight; (2) has been designated as pilot in command before or during the flight; and (3) holds the appropriate category, class, and type rating, if appropriate, for the conduct of the flight.
special VFR conditions
(SVFR) mean meteorological conditions that are less than those required for basic VFR flight in controlled airspace and in which some aircraft are permitted flight under visual flight rules.
standard atmosphere
The combination of temperature and pressure used as a universal reference, equal to 1013.25 hPa (29.92 in/Hg) at sea level with a temperature of 15°C (59°F). (dab)
speed - best angle of climb
(noted as VX) means the speed at which the airplane will climb at the steepest angle. (dab)
speed - best rate of climb
(noted as VY) means the speed at which the airplane will climb at fastest rate. (dab)
speed - flap extended
(noted as VFE) means the highest speed permissible with wing flaps in a prescribed extended position. Corresponds to the upper limit of the white arc on an airspeed indicator.
speed - ground
The speed of an aircraft relative to the ground.
speed - landing gear extended
(noted as VLE) means the maximum speed at which an aircraft can be safely flown with the landing gear extended.
speed - landing gear operating
(noted as VLO) means the maximum speed at which the landing gear can be safely extended or retracted.
speed - never exceed
(noted as VNE) means the maximum speed at which an aircraft can be safely operated. Corresponds to the upper limit of the yellow arc, and the red line, on an airspeed indicator. (dab)
speed - normal operating
(noted as VNO) means the maximum structural cruising speed of an aircraft. Corresponds to the upper limit of the green arc on an airspeed indicator. (dab)
speed - stall
(noted as VS0) means the speed at which the airplane stall with flaps down; i.e., the slowest indicated airspeed the airplane can fly and still remain airborne. Corresponds to the lower limit of the white arc on an airspeed indicator. (dab)
speed - stall - clean
(noted as VS1) means the speed at which the airplane stall with flaps (and landing gear) up. (dab)
traffic pattern
means the traffic flow that is prescribed for aircraft landing at, taxiing on, or taking off from, an airport.
twilight - astronomical
means that period of time when the center of the sun's disc is higher than 18° below the horizon. Nautical twilight roughly corresponds to the period beginning 90 minutes before sunrise and ending 90 minutes after sunset. During this period, the atmosphere does not scatter any sunlight, making ground-based visual astronomy possible. (dab)
twilight - civil
means that period of time when the center of the sun's disc is higher than 6° below the horizon. Civil twilight roughly corresponds to the period beginning one half-hour before sunrise and ending one half-hour after sunset. (dab)
twilight - nautical
means that period of time when the center of the sun's disc is higher than 12° below the horizon. Nautical twilight roughly corresponds to one hour before sunrise to one hour after sunset. (dab)
VFR
Visual Flight Rules. In most classes of airspace, VFR operation requires a specific minimum visibility and ceiling, and requires the pilot to maintain specific distances from clouds. Cf. IFR, MVFR.
visibility - flight
means the average forward horizontal distance, from the cockpit of an aircraft in flight, at which prominent unlighted objects may be seen and identified by day and prominent lighted objects may be seen and identified by night.
visibility - ground
means prevailing horizontal visibility near the earth's surface as reported by the United States National Weather Service or an accredited observer.

Submitted by reader D.B.

List: Things Southerners Never Say

Note: A true Southerner has responded to this piece.

Things you would never hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much he’s had to drink, no matter how far from the South he’s wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...

  • I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex
  • Duct tape won't fix that
  • Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
  • Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
  • We don't keep firearms in this house
  • Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
  • You can't feed that to the dog
  • I thought Graceland was tacky
  • No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe
  • Wrasslin's fake
  • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  • We're vegetarians
  • Do you think my hair is too big?
  • I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
  • Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
  • Who's Richard Petty?
  • Give me the small bag of pork rinds
  • Deer heads detract from the decor
  • Spitting is such a nasty habit
  • I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
  • Trim the fat off the steak
  • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
  • The tires on that truck are too big
  • I'll have the arugula and radacchio salad
  • I've got it all on a floppy disk
  • Unsweetened tea tastes better
  • Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  • My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
  • I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
  • Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
  • Checkmate
  • She's too old to be wearing a bikini
  • Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  • Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen
  • I don't have a favorite college team
  • Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side
  • I believe you cooked those green beans too long
  • Those shorts ought to be a little longer

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is...

  • Elvis who?

Submitted by reader M.G.

Joke: at the Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: the Macarena

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," begged the condemned man, "kill me first."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: Computer Genders

A businessman, who was previously a sailor, knew that ships are always addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To resolve this he set up two groups of computer experts, one of women and one of men.

He asked each group to determine whether computers should be referred to in the feminine or the masculine gender. Each gave four reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women said computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

  1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The group of men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Submitted by reader K.T.

Joke: the Fishing Trip

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, Father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.

The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

Fisherman: (thinking quickly) "I’m sorry, Father, but that’s what this fish is called—a sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Oh, I’m sorry—I didn’t know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don’t understand—that’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head of the Convent.

Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop: "No, sister, that’s what the fish is called—a sonofabitch! Father Joe caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it."

Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

Mother Superior: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right."

Joke: the Plumber

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.

"That was my husband," said the woman. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time?"

Submitted by reader L.M. 

Joke: the Stowaway

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Submitted by reader S.N.

Humor: Jewish Cuisine

Nu, enjoy, Eis mien kinde, Eis. Burp.

Latkes

In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. Although this is not certain, it has been proven many times that if you've eaten one, you'll have heart burn for the same amount of time.

Matzoh

The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water--no eggs or flavor at all. When made, well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.

Kasha Varnishkes

One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles).

Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, God forbid, "An elbow on my table?"

Blintzes

Not to be confused with the German war machine. Basically this is the Jewish answer to crèpe Suzette.

Kishka

You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.

Kreplach

It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether your mother or your mother-in-law cooked it.

Cholent

This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) someone heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!"

Gefilte Fish

A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (then 5 years old) looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises small fish balls with a carrot coin on top, eaten with horseradish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.

Bagels

How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel?

Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel, although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker?

Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate.

And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence, and the dough is only there for emphasis.

Submitted by reader J.S.