25 December 1998
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
26 December 1998
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine—two Turtle Doves!! I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable.
My everlasting love,
27 December 1998
My dear Bob,
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity—Three French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist. You’ve been too kind.
All my love,
28 December 1998
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now, really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic.
29 December 1998
What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Gold Rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds can really squawk and they are getting on my nerves.
30 December 1998
Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese–a–Laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again. Those geese are huge. Where in the name of creation will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, rightly so, and it is impossible to sleep through the racket. Now let this be the end of this.
31 December 1998
What the hell is with you and these fucking birds? Seven Swans–a–Swimming? What kind of a damn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can’t get a damn bit of sleep and I’m a nervous wreck. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.
1 January 1999
What in screaming hell am I going to do with Eight Maids–a–Milking? Well, shit, I think I prefer the damn birds! The damn maids–a–milking had to bring their damn cows. There is cow shit all over my lawn and bird shit all over the house. I can’t even move my feet. Just leave me the hell alone, smartass.
2 January 1999
You sadistic bastard! I now have Nine Pipers Piping in my front yard and they are standing knee deep in cow shit. This, after chasing those maids all night long. Consequently, upsetting the cows to the point that they are stepping all over the screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
3 January 1999
You rotten PRICK!
Now there are Ten Ladies Dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts "ladies." They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the damn cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Zoning and the Building Inspector have subpoenaed me to give just cause to why this building should not be condemned. I’m calling the police! I mean it, by God!
4 January 1999
Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be a witness to Eleven Lords–a–Leaping on that many maids and ladies. They took those broads like Grant took Richmond and many will never walk exactly right again. I wasn’t the only witness, by the way. The "60 Minutes" camera crew and staff are just loading up their cameras and equipment on a chartered plane and are racing against time to have the first Christmas Special on Pay–per–View TV. For the record, all 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. As God is my witness, somehow, someday, I’LL GET YOU! I never want to see your fucking face as long as I live.
Miss Violet Monica Habersham
LAW OFFICES OF ZAMPARO, FREEDMAN, AND SACHS
5 January 1999
We represent your ex-fiancee, Miss Violet Habersham.
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client. The destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habersham at the West County Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a summons and complaint for various torts. A warrant for your arrest should arrive shortly.
Submitted by reader S.P.