The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks
out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as
they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I
have seen in America."
President Bush says, "Well, your Excellency, anything I
can do to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show
Star Trek and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never
any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any
Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and
whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
Submitted by reader B.P.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
Submitted by reader A.C.
Some important theological questions are answered if we think of God as a computer programmer.
- Does God control everything that happens in my life?
- He could, if He used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.
- Why does God allow evil to happen?
- God thought He eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
- Does God know everything?
- He likes to think so, but He is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnight job.
- What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
- If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and He logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.
- Did God really create the world in seven days?
- He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day He went home and found out His girlfriend had left Him.
- How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
- That was the development phase of the project, and now we are in the maintenance phase.
- Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
- A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt that it will ever be implemented.
- Who is Satan?
- Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
- What is the role of sinners?
- Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Submitted by reader D.B.
Sister Mary Margaret was 60, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. Then one afternoon early in the spring this priest came to chat with her, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.
Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary Margaret has flipped or something! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. And of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the strange floater; but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Sister," he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Submitted by reader J.T.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. (Scroll slowly, as each answer follows immediately.)
The questions are NOT difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator.
Wrong answer. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to a worldwide consulting company, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. The consulting company says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Submitted by reader E.C.
On 9/11/02, I defied the terrorists.
Just little old me.
I went to work [in public service].
Rode the subway.
During the moment of silence at 8:46AM—
The two ladies next to me crossed themselves.
Boston police at every turn,
I went into a court of law.
Smiled sadly at everyone I could.
And sang, "happy birthday" to my aunt.
Today I heard planes taking off.
Opened my mail.
Chose what I wanted to watch on TV.
Listened to music on the radio.
I tried my best—
To honor the memories of those who were taken
and the people who gave their lives,
attempting to help others;
during the violence one year ago.
On 9/11/02 I defied the terrorists,
like on each and every day.
—On the Blue Line & Winthrop, Mass., 11 September 2002. Copyright ©2002 Dena Barisano.
Submitted by reader D.B.
"Squawk" is the aviation term for a maintenance request. These are squawks allegedly logged by QUANTAS pilots. The solutions logged by the company's maintenance engieers follow.
- Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
- Almost replaced left inside main tire.
- Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
- Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
- No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
- No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
- Something loose in cockpit.
- Something tightened in cockpit.
- Dead bugs on windshield.
- Live bugs on back-order.
- Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
- Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
- Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
- Evidence removed.
- DME volume unbelievably loud.
- DME volume set to more believable level.
- Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
- That's what they're there for.
- IFF inoperative.
- IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
- Suspected crack in windshield.
- Suspect you're right.
- Number 3 engine missing.
- Engine found on right wing after brief search.
- Aircraft handles funny.
- Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
- Target radar hums.
- Reprogrammed target radar with words.
- Mouse in cockpit.
- Cat installed.
Submitted by reader D.B.
Next time you have an "I hate my job" kind of day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your local pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by
Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into comfortable
clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and
remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it
will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is personally tested.
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not
work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."
Submitted by reader C.H.