The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

List: Things Southerners Never Say

Note: A true Southerner has responded to this piece.

Things you would never hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much he’s had to drink, no matter how far from the South he’s wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...

  • I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex
  • Duct tape won't fix that
  • Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
  • Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
  • We don't keep firearms in this house
  • Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
  • You can't feed that to the dog
  • I thought Graceland was tacky
  • No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe
  • Wrasslin's fake
  • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  • We're vegetarians
  • Do you think my hair is too big?
  • I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
  • Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
  • Who's Richard Petty?
  • Give me the small bag of pork rinds
  • Deer heads detract from the decor
  • Spitting is such a nasty habit
  • I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
  • Trim the fat off the steak
  • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
  • The tires on that truck are too big
  • I'll have the arugula and radacchio salad
  • I've got it all on a floppy disk
  • Unsweetened tea tastes better
  • Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  • My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
  • I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
  • Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
  • Checkmate
  • She's too old to be wearing a bikini
  • Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  • Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen
  • I don't have a favorite college team
  • Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side
  • I believe you cooked those green beans too long
  • Those shorts ought to be a little longer

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is...

  • Elvis who?

Submitted by reader M.G.