A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a pub. She gestures
alluringly to the bartender who comes over
immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he
should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the
manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no,"
the man replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she
says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I
can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?
"Yes,
there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to
suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him,"
she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in
the ladies room."
Submitted by reader B.P.
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was
to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb
got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had
a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster
was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was,
too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell
had not rung at all! Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But, to Zeb's
amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb
was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an immediate sensation The judges not only awarded him the
No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.
Submitted by reader C.K.
Four Jewish brothers left home for college, became doctors and prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Chanukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."
"Menachim, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. Such a delicious chicken."
Submitted by reader W.G.
Out in farm country, old Nigel had a different sort of fetish. Every so often he would sneak into a neighbor's farm and go joyriding on a tractor.
After a few of these nocturnal jaunts, which usually resulted in a destroyed farm implement, his neighbors figured out what was happening. A mob of angry farmers chased him halfway around the county, and finally catching him, they beat him badly enough to put him in a wheelchair.
All Nigel could do was look wistfully at the tractors tilling the fields from afar.
But one day, a fire broke out in a neighbor's barn. The smoke was so thick the firefighters couldn't see the flames.
Seeing this, Nigel wheeled over, hopped off the chair, climbed up to the top of the barn, stuck his head in a hole in the roof, sucked out all the smoke, and blew it downwind of the barn.
His neighbors were shocked. One asked him, "How did you do that?"
"Easy," said Nigel. "I'm an ex-tractor fan."
Submitted by reader J.C.
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest
said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You
may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You
may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine. The Priest assured her that the
food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. "It is your 15th Anniversary here, Sister.
You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since
you got here."
Submitted by reader M.B.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before we kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the
blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed: "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but we will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but we will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully—for the last time, I said: 'BRING POSSE!'"
Submitted by reader M.B.
Gina comes from Hard Canny, Merlin.
If you've grown up or lived in Maryland for any part of your
life, you'll find this hits rather close to home.
Maryland is divided into semi-tribal areas called Cannies (i.e., "counties";
e.g., Ballmer Canny, PeeJee Canny, Hard Canny, etc.).
The dialect area is centered on a market center called Glimburny (Glen
Burnie), where the people come on weekends to trade their goods.
Speakers of Merlin dialect are all able to understand standard English from
babyhood, chiefly because of their voracious appetite for television.
However, they invariably refuse to speak standard English, even with
outsiders who obviously are not understanding a word they say.
Lesson 1: Vocabulary
- Arn
- what you do to wrinkled clothes
- Allanic
- an ocean
- Arnjuice
- from the sunshine tree
- Arouwn in all directions
- norf, souf, ees, and wess
- Avnew
- what you call a street
- Aspern
- what you take for headaches
- Bald
- some people like their eggs this way
- Ballmer
- Our City
- Bawler
- what the plumber calls your furnace
- Beeno
- a famous railroad
- Beero
- where you put your clothes
- Bulled Egg
- An egg cooked in water
- Brawl
- Broil
- Bowin'
- ten pins & 3 balls
- Calf Lick
- bleevers are Protestant, Jewish, and ...
- Canny
- a state gubmit division, such as Anne Arundel or Prince George's
- Chest Peak
- A large nearby body of water
- Colleyflare
- A white vegetable
- Downey Owe Shin
- Summertime destination "Down to the ocean," often to a place such as Ayshun City
- Droodle Pork
- Druid Hill Park
- Flares
- Such as tulips
- Faren Gins
- Red trucks that put out fires
- Hi Hon
- How we always say "hello"
- Holandtown
- Highland Town
- Jeet
- How we say "Did you eat?"
- Lyeberry
- where the books are
- Meedjum
- The grassy area between lanes of a highway
- Merlin
- Our State
- Nap Lis
- State of Merlin capital
- Nattie Boh
- beer that goes great with steamed crabs
- Ole Bay
- What our crabs taste like
- Oreos
- Not a cookie, but our baseball team
- Payment
- That strip of cement that you walk on
- Paramore
- Power mower
- Pitcher
- what's hangin in the frame on the wall
- PohLeese
- Those guys in uniform that git ya when you're speeding
- Share
- Hot water that cleans you in the morning
- Sem elem
- Seven Eleven
- Stoop
- where you sit on a summer evenin
- Tarred
- What you get when you work too hard
- Warsh
- What we do with dirty clothes
- Warder
- What we drink (can also be Wooter)
- Winders
- Those glass things that we look out of
- Warshinton DeeCee
- Capitol of America
- Zinc
- where you warsh yer dishes
Submitted by reader G.B.
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a quit-smoking patch on it.
He turns to the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other priest replies, "It's working just fine for me. I'm down to two butts a day."
Submitted by reader B.P.
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks
out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as
they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I
have seen in America."
President Bush says, "Well, your Excellency, anything I
can do to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show
Star Trek and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never
any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any
Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and
whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
Submitted by reader B.P.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. (Scroll slowly, as each answer follows immediately.)
The questions are NOT difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator.
Wrong answer. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to a worldwide consulting company, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. The consulting company says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Submitted by reader E.C.