The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: Therapy

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

Submitted by reader N.A.

Joke: Playing Lotto

A [insert cultural/ethnic/hair-color group here] named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray: "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The next week Babbette again prays: "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays: "My God, why have You forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help and I have always been a good servant to You. Please just let me win the Lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: the Pope

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"

Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

Joke: Two bees

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren’t any flowers or pollen, so I can’t make any honey."

"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How’d it go?"

"Fine," said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what’s that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That’s my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: Talmudic logic

After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.

At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district.

On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there.

But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two—the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son- in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?

Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs.

But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the university.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger.

"But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious."

Submitted by reader E.S.

Joke: Mistresses

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Submitted by reader M.G.

Joke: the Bicycle

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.

"She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Submitted by reader M.G.

List: Concert choir vocabulary

Aleatoric Music
Music composed by the random selection of pitches and rhythms. Frequently found in the choir anthem.
Antiphonal
Leaving your answering machine on all the time.
Augmentation
Special surgery for altos involving the implantation of falsettos.
Basso Continuo
When the director can’t get them to stop.
Cantus Firmus
A singer in good physical condition. As opposed to the "Cantus phlabbious" (See Sackbutt)
Castrato
The highest male voice (some alteration required).
Chorale Partitas
Small choir get–togethers that are frequently interrupted by the police.
Concerto Grosso
An accordion concert.
Contralto
An alto who has been convicted.
Dominant
In a choral relationship, usually the alto.
Etude
What comes right before the Beatitudes.
Glissando
What directly precedes the highest note of a descant.
Grand Pause
When the conductor loses his place.
Heterophony
The only kind of music allowed at the Southern Baptist Convention.
Leitmotif
Like a regular motif, but less filling.
Perfect Pitch
Throwing a banjo in the dumpster without hitting the sides.
Phantasie
An alto in a leather choir robe.
Polonaise
A condiment frequently put on a parrot sandwich.
Polychoral Motet
Six parrots singing "Exultate Justi."
Recapitulation
What usually happens after you eat a parrot sandwich.
Riff
What happens when someone takes your choir robe.
Rondo
A popular sixties song, as in "Help, help me, Rondo."
Sackbutt
A choral singer over 50.
Score
Tenors 3, Basses 2.
Sectional Harassment Lawsuit
What happens when the director suggests that the sopranos "Sing from their diaphragm"
Smorzando
The "All–You–Can–Eat" buffet at Luciano’s.
Theme
We hate this anthem.
Theme and Variations
We hate this anthem, the composer and all of the composer’s relatives.
Tonic
What is generally enjoyed over ice after choir rehearsal.

Submitted by reader J.J.

Joke: Out golfing

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The English man stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish man's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing and knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate was the same as the others: Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."

Joke: Another Elderly Driver

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 m.p.h. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma’am," the officer replies, "you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty–two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

Submitted by reader S.P.