The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Give us a push

My cousin sent this one to me ages ago:

This bloke's in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside.

"Eh mate" says the stranger, "Can you give us a push?"

"No, piss off, it's half three. I was in bed," says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a bastard. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to piss off?"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" and he replies: "I'm over here on the swings."

Old Man Moskowitz

One of my favorites:

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.

Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was—a picture of Jesus on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."

The old man immediately met with his three sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.

A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was—a picture of the same cross, empty, with Jesus crumpled on the ground below...and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."

New Joke category

My old personal site, www.braverman.org, has seen better days. It's creaky, it hasn't been maintained, and I think this blog has mostly supplanted it.

It does, however, have a library of hundreds of jokes, all dying to be read again. So starting today, I'm adding a new category: Jokes. (No, I'm not changing the name to the "Waspj Blog.")

Here's the first one, from an anonymous fan:

Eulogy for a Dog

Morris in Brooklyn lived in a big home with his pet dog that he loved for 12 years. His best and only companion. The dog died, and a heartbroken Morris went to the Rabbi of his congregation and asked, "Rebbe, my dog is dead. Could you please offer a prayer for this faithful creature?"

The Rabbi replied, "No, we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue, but nearby there is a new temple that opened, no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services for an animal."

Morris said, "So I'll go see them now. Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The Rebbe replied, "So why didn't you tell me the dog was Orthodox?"

Joke: Tom Jones

—Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop singing "The Green Grass of Home."

—That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.

—Is it Common?

—It's not unusual!

Submitted by reader M.G.

Joke: Clinton's urinal

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I could have a gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligible!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Submitted by reader N.A.

Joke: Paddy's new horse

It seems there was an Irishman wanting to buy himself a horse. So he went to the open market, which is a place in Ireland where people sell things, among which are...horses. Well, he saw one that he liked and asked the price.

Paddy, who was selling the horse said to him, "Well, now, I'll be sellin' you this horse but I feel there's something I need to tell you first."

Well, the man wanted to know what that was. Paddy said, "Well, it seems he has a strange habit of wantin' to sit on bananas."

Now, the man thought Paddy was crazy! "Sit on bananas?"

"Yes," Paddy said. "Seems she likes to sit on bananas."

Now the man thought about this and realizing there weren't all that many bananas in the whole of Ireland figured it was a good bargain and he bought the horse.

As soon as he'd paid for the horse, he got on it and began to ride. Well, it was a good horse. It galloped across the market, it leaped over the hedges, it ran down the roads and jumped the fences and soon it began to approach a narrow stream. The man thought, "This is a grand horse. Surely it'll clear this small stream." When, all of a sudden, just as its hooves touched the water, it promptly came to halt and sat in the water!

The man went flying through the air and landed in a bush. He ripped his coat and put a nasty gash in his arm. But he pulled the horse up and got back on and galloped across the meadow, ran up the road, jumped the fences, leaped over the hedges and galloped across the market until he stopped it right by Paddy!

The man jumped off the horse and began to yell, "What sort of a stupid animal did you sell me?"

"Well," began Paddy, "I told you she was a bit strange...that she liked to sit on bananas, didn't I?"

"WHAT?" shouted the man. "Bananas? I galloped her across the market, I leaped her over hedges, ran her up the road, jumped her over fences and when I came to a small stream she stopped dead in her tracks and sat in the water! I tore my coat and gashed my arm!"

"Ooooh," began Paddy. "I forgot to tell you...she also likes to sit on fishes..."

Submitted by reader M.G.

Joke: The Jewish Samurai

Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: A Japanese Samurai. A Chinese Samurai. A Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox, and out buzzed a bumblebee. "Whoosh, whoosh" went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really VERY impressive!"

Next the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox, and once again out flew a bumblebee. His flashing sword went "Whoosh, whoosh." But the bumblebee was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is this bumblebee not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Polly's passing

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry. Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. He returned a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a lovely Siamese cat.

The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but as I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."

Submitted by reader B.P.

Joke: Message for the Manager

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.

When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Submitted by reader B.P.

Joke: Zebediah

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all! Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an immediate sensation The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.

Submitted by reader C.K.