The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Humor: Maryland vocabulary

Gina comes from Hard Canny, Merlin.

If you've grown up or lived in Maryland for any part of your life, you'll find this hits rather close to home.

Maryland is divided into semi-tribal areas called Cannies (i.e., "counties"; e.g., Ballmer Canny, PeeJee Canny, Hard Canny, etc.).

The dialect area is centered on a market center called Glimburny (Glen Burnie), where the people come on weekends to trade their goods.

Speakers of Merlin dialect are all able to understand standard English from babyhood, chiefly because of their voracious appetite for television.

However, they invariably refuse to speak standard English, even with outsiders who obviously are not understanding a word they say.

Lesson 1: Vocabulary

Arn
what you do to wrinkled clothes
Allanic
an ocean
Arnjuice
from the sunshine tree
Arouwn in all directions
norf, souf, ees, and wess
Avnew
what you call a street
Aspern
what you take for headaches
Bald
some people like their eggs this way
Ballmer
Our City
Bawler
what the plumber calls your furnace
Beeno
a famous railroad
Beero
where you put your clothes
Bulled Egg
An egg cooked in water
Brawl
Broil
Bowin'
ten pins & 3 balls
Calf Lick
bleevers are Protestant, Jewish, and ...
Canny
a state gubmit division, such as Anne Arundel or Prince George's
Chest Peak
A large nearby body of water
Colleyflare
A white vegetable
Downey Owe Shin
Summertime destination "Down to the ocean," often to a place such as Ayshun City
Droodle Pork
Druid Hill Park
Flares
Such as tulips
Faren Gins
Red trucks that put out fires
Hi Hon
How we always say "hello"
Holandtown
Highland Town
Jeet
How we say "Did you eat?"
Lyeberry
where the books are
Meedjum
The grassy area between lanes of a highway
Merlin
Our State
Nap Lis
State of Merlin capital
Nattie Boh
beer that goes great with steamed crabs
Ole Bay
What our crabs taste like
Oreos
Not a cookie, but our baseball team
Payment
That strip of cement that you walk on
Paramore
Power mower
Pitcher
what's hangin in the frame on the wall
PohLeese
Those guys in uniform that git ya when you're speeding
Share
Hot water that cleans you in the morning
Sem elem
Seven Eleven
Stoop
where you sit on a summer evenin
Tarred
What you get when you work too hard
Warsh
What we do with dirty clothes
Warder
What we drink (can also be Wooter)
Winders
Those glass things that we look out of
Warshinton DeeCee
Capitol of America
Zinc
where you warsh yer dishes

Submitted by reader G.B.

Joke: On the Patch

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a quit-smoking patch on it.

He turns to the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other priest replies, "It's working just fine for me. I'm down to two butts a day."

Submitted by reader B.P.

Joke: Arabs on Star Trek

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says, "Well, your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show Star Trek and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

Submitted by reader B.P.

Observations: The Art of Flying

  • Never trade luck for skill.
  • The three most common expressions in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Shit!"
  • Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
  • Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
  • Airspeed, altitude or brains: two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
  • A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication (to deviate from the truth).
  • I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
  • Will Rogers never met a fighter pilot.
  • We have a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
  • If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter—and unsafe.
  • Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
  • Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.
  • Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it.
  • When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. (Robert Livingston, "Flying The Aeronca")
  • Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. (Layton A. Bennett, "Never fly the 'A' model of anything")
  • When a prang seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible. (Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II)
  • The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
  • A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
  • If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover)
  • If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican')
  • Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I Am 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena)
  • You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore)
  • Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. (Richard Herman, Jr., "Firebreak")
  • There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, Ariz., 1970)
  • The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown)
  • "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320)
  • What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
  • Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
  • If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules:

  1. Try to stay in the middle of the air; do not go near the edges of it.
  2. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Submitted by reader C.L.

Quiz: Professionalism

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. (Scroll slowly, as each answer follows immediately.)

The questions are NOT difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?







The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?







Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator.

Wrong answer. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?







Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?







Correct answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to a worldwide consulting company, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. The consulting company says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Submitted by reader E.C.

Poem: On 9/11/02

On 9/11/02, I defied the terrorists.
Just little old me.
I went to work [in public service].
Rode the subway.
During the moment of silence at 8:46AM—
The two ladies next to me crossed themselves.

Boston police at every turn,
I went into a court of law.
Smiled sadly at everyone I could.
And sang, "happy birthday" to my aunt.

Today I heard planes taking off.
Opened my mail.
Chose what I wanted to watch on TV.
Listened to music on the radio.

I tried my best—
To honor the memories of those who were taken
and the people who gave their lives,
attempting to help others;
during the violence one year ago.
On 9/11/02 I defied the terrorists,
like on each and every day.

—On the Blue Line & Winthrop, Mass., 11 September 2002. Copyright ©2002 Dena Barisano.

Submitted by reader D.B.

Humor: Theology of Programming

Some important theological questions are answered if we think of God as a computer programmer.

Does God control everything that happens in my life?
He could, if He used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.
Why does God allow evil to happen?
God thought He eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
Does God know everything?
He likes to think so, but He is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnight job.
What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and He logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.
Did God really create the world in seven days?
He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day He went home and found out His girlfriend had left Him.
How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
That was the development phase of the project, and now we are in the maintenance phase.
Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt that it will ever be implemented.
Who is Satan?
Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
What is the role of sinners?
Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Submitted by reader D.B.

Joke: The nun's glass bowl

Sister Mary Margaret was 60, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. Then one afternoon early in the spring this priest came to chat with her, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.

Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary Margaret has flipped or something! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. And of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the strange floater; but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Sister," he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Submitted by reader J.T.

Humor: Airplane squawks

"Squawk" is the aviation term for a maintenance request. These are squawks allegedly logged by QUANTAS pilots. The solutions logged by the company's maintenance engieers follow.

Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Something loose in cockpit.
Something tightened in cockpit.
Dead bugs on windshield.
Live bugs on back-order.
Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Evidence removed.
DME volume unbelievably loud.
DME volume set to more believable level.
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
That's what they're there for.
IFF inoperative.
IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Suspected crack in windshield.
Suspect you're right.
Number 3 engine missing.
Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Aircraft handles funny.
Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Target radar hums.
Reprogrammed target radar with words.
Mouse in cockpit.
Cat installed.

Submitted by reader D.B.

Humor: Marketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

Submitted by reader A.C.