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But today? 10/10 would recommend! Ah, ha ha. Ha. Everything else today has a proportion of funny to not-funny that we should work on a bit more: The administration served up two full helpings of corruption today: indicting New York Attorney General Letitia James as payback for prosecuting the OAFPOTUS, and finalizing a $20 billion gift to Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent's friends under the guise of propping up the Argentine Peso. US District Judge April Perry (NDIL) has blocked the National Guard from...

First, Andrew Sullivan makes a very good, nuanced point about President Biden pardoning his son: A consensus of sorts has emerged among historians. Little abuses of power in the Roman system slowly multiplied, as rival factions exploited loopholes, or made minor adjustments, for short-term advantages. And so, for example, the term-limits of consuls — once strictly limited to two years in order to keep power dispersed — were gradually extended after the first breach, which set a precedent for further...

Today is the 30th anniversary of the trope-namer first appearing in Calvin and Hobbes, making the comic strip self-referential at this point. (It's the ur-noodle incident.) Unfortunately, today's mood rather more reflects The Far Side's famous "Crisis Clinic" comic from the same era: Adam Gray (D) has defeated US Representative John Duarte (R) in California's 13 district, bringing the House of Representatives to its final tally of 210 Democrats and 215 Republicans. An assassin shot and killed...

The current work sprint ends tomorrow. Throughout, I've had several moments of "wow, I actually did that right three years ago" as I've extended or improved existing features for the next release. I've even added a couple of extra stories that didn't take me long to do. Meanwhile, I'm starting to get the sense of what it might be like when I'm 80, coughing so much that for the first time in years I'll actually miss rehearsal tonight. Which explains this post's headline: the cemetery is usually where the...

Corporate IT has decreed that all passwords must conform to the following rules:https://neal.fun/password-game/ Keep safe out there!

But for me, it was Tuesday: The Democratic National Committee has selected Chicago to host its convention next August, when (I assume) our party will nominate President Biden for a second term. We last hosted the DNC in 1996, when the party nominated President Clinton for his second term. Just a few minutes ago, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg filed suit in the Southern District of New York to enjoin US Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) from interfering in the prosecution of the XPOTUS. Speaking of the...

The Democratic Party got another governor yesterday when Katie Hobbs beat election-denier and former news anchor Kari Lake 51%-49%. Someday this won't make any sense at all, but this was the perfect meme for Hobbs' win: Representative Liz Cheney (R-WY) and Lake also had a delicious spat on Twitter. Cheney's response gets a chef's kiss from The Daily Parker. I recognize that links to Twitter will just be lint by this time next year, but for now, enjoy.

The Registrar General for Scotland finally released a death certificate that raised more questions than it answered: Queen Elizabeth II’s cause of death is described as “old age” in the register of deaths released on Thursday. The registrar general for Scotland, Paul Lowe, confirmed that the Queen’s death was registered in Aberdeenshire on 16 September. Suspicious, innit? She survived in power for 70 years and this is the best you've got? Apparently Scottish law allows this sort of obfuscation: Old age...

It's mid-July today, at least until around 8pm, when late April should return. The Tribune reported this morning that our spring has had nearly three times the rain as last spring, but actually hasn't gotten much wetter than normal. Meanwhile: Millennial writer Marisa Kabas boggles at George W Bush's volte-face on the Iraq war this week. Josh Marshall shakes his head at the Republican Party's acceptance of a particular nasty and racist theory of immigration. Andrew Sullivan says this is because white...

It turns out, tenors don't actually spread Covid more readily than the other three sections, despite what you may have heard from the Welsh Government: The advice appears to have been motivated by a spoof social media news post, created by meme page Quire Memes to appear as if written by us here at Classic FM. A doctored headline claimed that ‘Tenors should sit three metres away from other choir members, COVID study says’. The post, which is categorically fake news, is captioned: “Tenors found to...

I swear, the local poké place used three shots of chili oil instead of one today. Whew. (Not that I'm complaining, of course.) While my mouth slowly incinerates, I'm reading these: University of Baltimore School of Law professor Kimberly Wehle warns that the legal theories the Republicans on the Supreme Court suggested this week could roll back a lot more than just abortion rights. Also in The Atlantic, actor Joshua Malina wonders why anyone would hire raging anti-Semite Mel Gibson. Daniel Strauss asks...

With apologies to Radio Netherlands, Goldberg hits Jeffrey Toobin's latest HR incident with frequency until it hertz: There’s been a lot of handwringing—so to speak—about Toobin, the New Yorker’s legal correspondent. One writer, after running through a string of jokes about Toobin’s prosecution of his “southern district,” insists that we should act like a jury ordered by the judge to ignore evidence. In one of the greatest understatements ever written, he says, “Granted, there are few things more...

Starting in March, this year has seemed like a weird anthology TV show, with each month written and directed by a different team. We haven't had Aaron Sorkin and Thomas Schlamme yet; I'm hoping that'll be the season finale in February. This month we seem to have Armando Iannucci running the show, as the President's antics over the weekend suggest. So here's how I'm spending lunch: With only 4 weeks to the election, a new CNN poll out this morning has Biden up 16 points among likely voters nationally....

It's day 88 of my exile from the office, but I recently found out I may get to go in for a day soon. Will this happen before the 24th (day 100)? Who's got the over/under on that? Meanwhile, outside my bubble: A new book alleges that Melania Trump remained in New York during the first few months of her husband's presidency as a tactic in renegotiating her prenuptial agreement. Michael Tomsky asks, "Why does Trump lie?" Cellphone data shows that people in some parts of the country are gathering at...

And now, Adult Storytime brings you Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber:

My 25-year-old co-worker: "Yeah, I'm not much of a 'true believer.'" Me: Well, I'm a believer. I couldn't leave her if I tried. Him: O_O Me: Sorry, just a bit of Monkee business on a Friday afternoon. I just grabbed the Mike and twisted what you said with a lot of Tork. Him: O_o Me: You look like you're going to slip me a Micky and send me down to Davy Jones. Him: WTF are you talking about? Me: You have no idea who the Monkees are, do you. Him: Primates with tails? Me: (headdesk) (headdesk) (headdesk)

I finally got 7 minutes to watch this. I'm still crying. But in a good way, unlike the people in the room: Enjoy.

Every year at this time, it's important to talk about language skills. There is a tribe in the remotest part of the Amazon forest who, every December 25th, dance around a large pile of dirt, singing to it and telling it stories. This is because of a tragic mistranslation by a missionary centuries ago, who told them, "On this day the ton of sod was bored."

Yesterday, the Nielsen Norman Group released groundbreaking research on user interface design for dogs: There are several key usability guidelines that help dogs to have the most usable experience on modern websites and apps, particularly on mobile, tablet, and other touch-based interfaces: Consistency is critical. While consistency in any user experience is important, with dogs, it’s even more so. Experienced dog trainers will tell you that, for dogs to learn proper behavior, consistency in enforcing...

I recently had a conversation about mandatory fun at work, and my interlocutor pointed me to this classic article: Like a diseased appendix bursting and spreading infectious bacteria throughout the abdomen, fun is insinuating itself everywhere, into even the un-hippest workplaces. Witness the August issue of Inc. magazine, the self-declared "Handbook of the American Entrepreneur." Emblazoned on its cover was "Fun! It's the New Core Value." Beneath that was a photo of Jonathan Bush, the CEO of...

Yes, I'm actually in training this week that is required of everyone at my level. This morning we did an exercise on meeting planning. Our table came up with the following responses to the "Meeting Expectations/First Five Minutes" part: Show appreciation for the meeting: "Mr. Wirtz, thank you for taking some time to meet with me today." Confirm available time for meeting: "You mentioned you had about 15 minutes this morning. Is that still the case?" Offer a look back...how did we get here? "As you will...

One of the funnier things I've seen recently:

Today seemed like the right moment to recollect this short poem from Luis d'Antin van Rooten's Mots D'Heures: Gousses, Rames: Raseuse arrête, valet de Tsar bat loups, Joues gare et suite, et sot voyou. As van Rooten's commentary makes clear, the wolves were really at fault.

...brings us Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, the NPR news quiz hosted by actor and playwright Peter Sagal. Last week, one of the panelists presented an extended joke about Poland. Never mind that the panelist is probably of Polish descent; the piece annoyed the Polish consulate: Peter Grosz, an actor and TV writer who has appeared as a panelist and guest host on "Wait Wait," offered a supposed news item referencing a joke asking how many Poles it takes to screw in a light bulb. Host Peter Sagal revealed the...

After a year at sea, a sailor returns to his home port and walks into his favorite bar, and everyone turns to stare at him because his head has shrunk to the size of a grapefruit. Finally, one of his oldest friends asks him what has happened. And the sailor tells this story: "We were at sea, and it was fine weather with a fair wind, and there wasn't much to do that day, so I decided to do a little fishing. I felt this immense tug on the line, and when I reeled in my catch, what had I caught but the most...

Via Microsoft's Raymond Chen, a real-life example of how a batter can get three strikes on one pitch: Chen explains: During his plate appearance, Vinnie Catricala was not pleased with the strike call on the first pitch he received. He exchanged words with the umpire, then stepped out of the batter's box to adjust his equipment. He did this without requesting or receiving a time-out. The umpire repeatedly instructed Catricala to take his position in the batter's box, which he refused to do. The umpire...

Earlier I surmised that automating the process of extracting my old jokes from the ancient braverman.org site would take less time than hand-copying them. Well, duh. It only took two hours to write the script, lint the very few entries that needed it, and push the lot up to The Daily Parker. So, for those of you who have missed all the jokes—there are just under 200 of them, all published from May 1998 to November 2004—start here, then skip to here, and then keep clicking the calendar control. I'll call...

After a short experiment yesterday at lunch, in which I put up three original braverman.org posts from 1998, I've added all the content from May 1998. A couple of things came up during this process: 1. dasBlog, whose open-source project has ceased active development, won't display any of the entries for a particular day if any one of them has any errors in its HTML. That is really annoying. 2. In frustration, I started looking for other blog engines, and came upon Orchard. I'm intrigued. The extension...

I don't remember reading about this in Article II, but it sure is funny:

Something about the Seder I went to last night and the marriage equality cases currently before the Supreme Court got me thinking along these lines: The wise son asks, "What are the statutes, the testimonies, and the laws that the Constitution has commanded you to do?" To the wise son, you say: The 14th Amendment gives every citizen equal protection under the law. The 10th Amendment reserves powers to the States that aren't specifically granted to the Federal Government. And the First Amendment...

After a quick weekend in New York, I'm back debugging and fixing and going to lots of meetings. So this was much appreciated:

I have just inflicted this on my friends; you're next: After the "incident" with Esmerelda, the Cathedral of Our Lady in Paris—Notre Dame—needed a new bell-ringer. A man showed up for the job. The bishop in charge of hiring noticed he had no arms. "Pas de problème," said the man. "I hit the bells with my head, like this." He then proceeded to play a magnificent carillon using only his face. As he reached a crescendo, the glorious music reaching out across Paris, he slipped, fell from the bell tower, and...

At least according to the Onion:

...and only four blocks from my house:

Via TPM, search-engine watcher Danny Sullivan says former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum hasn't been Googlebombed; he's simply lost the war: In a classic Googlebombing — which Google did crack down on when it was used to tie searches for “miserable failure” to George W. Bush back during the Republicans administration — pranksters tricked Google’s algorithm into sending (for lack of a better term) the “wrong” results for a search. An example could be you entered “apple” in the Google bar and got back a page...

I'm David Braverman, this is my blog, and Parker is my 5-year-old mutt. I last updated this About... page in February, but some things have changed. In the interest of enlightened laziness I'm starting with the most powerful keystroke combination in the universe: Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V. Twice. Thus, the "point one" in the title. The Daily Parker is about: Parker, my dog, whom I adopted on 1 September 2006. Politics. I'm a moderate-lefty by international standards, which makes me a radical left-winger in today's...

Sometimes The Onion has a satirical piece that's, well, almost completely true: Visa Exposed As Massive Credit Card Scam SAN FRANCISCO—In coordinated raids Monday at locations in Delaware, South Dakota, and California, federal agents apprehended dozens of executives at Visa Inc., a sham corporation accused of perpetrating the largest credit card scam in U.S. history. According to indictments filed in U.S. District Court, Visa posed as a reputable lender, working through banks to peddle a variety of...

From the New Yorker: UPDATE: Pretty pleased with what I’ve come up with in just six days. Going to take tomorrow off. Feel free to check out what I’ve done so far. Suggestions and criticism (constructive, please!) more than welcome. God out. COMMENTS (24) Beta version was better. I thought the Adam-Steve dynamic was much more compelling than the Adam-Eve work-around You finally settled on. Adam was obviously created somewhere else and then just put here. So, until I see some paperwork proving otherwise...

Or, how I learned to stop worrying and love the boilerplate: /* * Copyright (c) 1995, 2008, Oracle and/or its affiliates. All rights reserved. * * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions * are met: * * - Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. * * - Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright * notice...

Via my family:

Scott Adams likes to provoke people. On occasion, like today, he writes something that provokes other people. He makes a good case that Donald Trump's presidential campaign is a practical joke: The magnificent part of this whole thing is that he's putting no effort whatsoever into concealing his prank. That's what I love about the guy. He knows that no level of clownery in a field of clowns will single him out as the one clown that doesn't really mean it. He's a graduate of the Wharton School, which...

This came to me in 1988 from the Internet (though back then no one called it "the Internet" and we ramped onto it through CompuServe). Enjoy. Hotline! By James Zachary Every now and again, a caller to the water and wastewater department will ask about issues of national concern. RING! Southeast plant, this is Zack. "I am taking a survey for my organization. Do you have time to answer a few questions?" Ma'am, this is a sewage plant... "You are a taxpayer and a voter, aren't you?" Yes Ma'am, but... "This...

Via Sullivan, a little piece of awesomeness to brighten your day. Example:

Brilliant:

Via Talking Points Memo:

Diane and I completely unplugged this weekend so I'm spending the evening catching up. I'll have photos probably Tuesday, depending how crazy tomorrow goes for me. Meanwhile, a joke from one of my clients: A noob used the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why he had such a long password, he said he was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

I don't know where this came from originally, but...well, look:

Australian comedy duo John Clarke and Brian Dawe comment on the 1991 Kikri oil spill:

Via Krugman, Bernanke lolfed:

Not the most fun day of my life—let's skip why—but arriving home and checking the blogs, I let out a guffaw at Calculated Risk's post this morning. Sadly, though, it means I'm a big nerd.

TPM Media gives you: the McCain-Palin Lipstick Pig: (I mean, someone had to, right?)

Come to think of it, perhaps the McCain campaign picked the wrong Palin. Perhaps they meant Michael?

Via Calculated Risk, a cartoon about one solution to the energy crisis.

From the Onion, via Marc Andreesen: CHARLESTON, SC—After spending two months accompanying his wife, Hillary, on the campaign trail, former president Bill Clinton announced Monday that he is joining the 2008 presidential race, saying he "could no longer resist the urge." ... Clinton also noted that, if elected, the timing would be perfect for his family, as his wife has recently expressed a desire to move back to the D.C. area.

A priest, a rabbi, and a giraffe walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Today's Dilbert.

Via PC Magazine through I Can Has Cheezburger?:

The Onion weighs in on Alberto Gonzales' usefulness.

I found myself thinking about this lilting ditty around 5 this morning: I woke early one morning,The earth lay cool and stillWhen suddenly a tiny birdPerched on my window sill, He sang a song so lovelySo carefree and so gay,That slowly all my troublesBegan to slip away. He sang of far off placesOf laughter and of fun,It seemed his very trilling,brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the coversCrept slowly out of bed,Then gently shut the windowAnd crushed his f@&$!!g head.

I suppose this route would get me from Chicago to London. It just seems inconvenient. (Thanks to reader RB.)

I'm David Braverman, this is my blog, and Parker is my 8-month-old mutt. Here are the main topics on the Daily Parker: Parker, my dog, whom I adopted on September 1st. Biking. I ride my bikes a lot. Last year I prepared for two Century rides but, alas, my gallbladder decided to explode a week before the first one. I might not have a lot to say until later in the spring, but I have big plans in 2007. Jokes. All right, I admit: when I'm strapped for ideas, sometimes I just post a dumb joke. Politics. I'm...

Here's the deal: I forgot to download the photos for today's DP from my camera. I won't get to do it before midnight UTC (6 pm Central Time). So this isn't really a TDP. It's just an explanation of why there's no DP today. On the other hand, I didn't figure to have a TDP tomorrow. So tomorrow's DP will be today's. Follow? In other shocking news, Britney Spears filed for divorce today. Speaking of silly puppies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGoRo-nPLOM

Found over at Action Squad: http://independentsources.com/2006/07/12/worst-company-urls/.

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practicioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird flew overhead. The GP reacted first. He raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think I should get a second opinion." Of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if...

A gentile goes into a clothing store and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"The salesman says, "It's $500."The gentile says, "OK, I'll take it." Two gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"The other gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking!" Two gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride)...

I'm not sure what to make of an MSNBC report about a circumcision trial, except tasteless jokes: Groups opposed to circumcision are watching the case of an 8-year-old suburban Chicago boy whose divorced parents are fighting in court over whether he should have the procedure. The child’s mother wants him circumcised to prevent recurring, painful inflammation she says he’s experienced during the past year. But the father says the boy is healthy and circumcision, which removes the foreskin of the penis, is...

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so...

Since I just discussed an article about criticizing Israel, I thought a Jewish joke would be appropriate as a follow-up. Note I said "Jewish" and not "anti-Semitic;" if you're looking for that kind of thing, let me tell you where to go. Four Jewish Sons Four Jewish brothers left home for college, became doctors and prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Chanukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. The first said, "I had a big house built for...

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards, she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would...

I thought of this lovely poem around 5:30 this morning. I woke early one morning,The earth lay cool and stillWhen suddenly a tiny birdPerched on my window sill, He sang a song so lovelySo carefree and so gay,That slowly all my troublesBegan to slip away. He sang of far off placesOf laughter and of fun,It seemed his very trilling,brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the coversCrept slowly out of bed,Then gently shut the windowAnd crushed his fucking head.

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup...

One of my favorites: Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising. Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was—a picture of Jesus on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails." The old man...

—Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop singing "The Green Grass of Home." —That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. —Is it Common? —It's not unusual! Submitted by reader M.G.

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I could have a gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something that...

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill...

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry. Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. He returned a few moments later with...

Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: A Japanese Samurai. A Chinese Samurai. A Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh went his sword, and the bumblebee...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, became doctors and prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Chanukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know...

Gina comes from Hard Canny, Merlin. If you've grown up or lived in Maryland for any part of your life, you'll find this hits rather close to home. Maryland is divided into semi-tribal areas called Cannies (i.e., "counties"; e.g., Ballmer Canny, PeeJee Canny, Hard Canny, etc.). The dialect area is centered on a market center called Glimburny (Glen Burnie), where the people come on weekends to trade their goods. Speakers of Merlin dialect are all able to understand standard English from babyhood, chiefly...

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before we kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns...

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says, "Well, your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show Star Trek and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand...

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. (Scroll slowly, as each answer follows immediately.) The questions are NOT difficult. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?...

Never trade luck for skill. The three most common expressions in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Shit!" Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. Airspeed, altitude or brains: two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication (to deviate from the truth). I remember when sex was safe and flying was...

Sister Mary Margaret was 60, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. Then one afternoon early in the spring this priest came to chat with her, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom. Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity!...

You're 5'4", can bench-press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and you still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 mortadella "sangwitches," 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular paper lunch bag. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 black Mercury. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk...

This one first came to us in 1995. It's a classic. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Sell Girl Scout cookies. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and...

Here are the new rules regarding displays of patriotism in the U.S.: To buy an American flag, you must present proof you have voted at least once in the last three elections (yes, local and state elections count). To display an American flag in any form, you must present proof of voter registration. To wave an American flag in public, you must be able to name at least one of the following: Your Senator Your Representative Your President ("George Bush" does not count; ambiguous) To sell any product with...

The Jewish community in Madrid needed horseradish for making chrain (horseradish) for Pesach, but all the European Union countries gave them the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send." In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by air freight to Madrid. Two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Aleph tear-jerking Israeli (chrain) horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the next El Al flight to Madrid, and all seemed...

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says,"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The...

Courtesy of some die hard Star Wars fans, it has been learned that there's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of The Empire Strikes Back that is due out in April 2000. The heretofore unknown and unseen footage expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1... The Empire Strikes Back: Directors Cut INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE...

This bloke's in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside. "Eh mate" says the stranger, "Can you give us a push?" "No, piss off, it's half three. I was in bed," says the...

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys: 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube of toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving of cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner 1 can of Soup For One 1 16oz can of Miller Lite The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?" The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?" He replies, "Because you're ugly." Submitted by reader A.B.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. I...

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot! I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The...

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what...

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren’t any flowers or pollen, so I can’t make any honey." "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip," said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two...

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope...

After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. "She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't have fit." Submitted by reader M.G.

Aleatoric Music Music composed by the random selection of pitches and rhythms. Frequently found in the choir anthem. Antiphonal Leaving your answering machine on all the time. Augmentation Special surgery for altos involving the implantation of falsettos. Basso Continuo When the director can’t get them to stop. Cantus Firmus A singer in good physical condition. As opposed to the "Cantus phlabbious" (See Sackbutt) Castrato The highest male voice (some alteration required). Chorale Partitas Small choir...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 m.p.h. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What...

I've smoked fatter joints than that. Ahh, it's cute. Who circumcised you? Why don't we just cuddle? You know they have surgery to fix that. It's more fun to look at. Make it dance. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. Can I paint a smiley face on that? It looks like a night crawler. Wow, and your feet are so big. My last boyfriend was four inches bigger. It's OK, we'll work around it. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? Oh...

There was once a medical student specializing in pathology who truly wanted to excel in his studies. Without fail, he would daily visit the school's path lab following his classes to do extra work. One evening he uncovered a cadaver only to notice a cork plugging its rectum. Curious, he removed the cork only to hear, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..." Startled, he replaced the cork. Curiosity soon got the best of him and he,once again, removed the cork. Again, he heard...

Three Labrador retrievers—a brown, yellow and black—are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything—the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All...

Here's a list of children's books you will probably never see in print: "You Were an Accident" "Strangers Have the Best Candy" "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" "Some Kittens Can Fly!" "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" "All Dogs Go to Hell" "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" "You Are Different and That's Bad"...

Three nuns are sitting at lunch one day. The first one says, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" "I poked holes in all of them," she replied. The third nun said, "Oh...

A Jewish boy is going off to college, and his father says to him: "Look, we've never been a religious family, so I'm not expecting you to become suddenly religious. But promise me one thing: You won't marry a shiksa." The boy promises this and assures his father that he won't. Sure enough, his senior year at school he falls in love with a beautiful Irish girl. She loves him too, but he tells her he can't marry her because she's not Jewish. "Don't worry," she says. "I'll convert." After serious study...

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" Submitted by reader M.K.

At a small gathering, talk grows serious when a minister asks three men this question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear someone say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They...

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen water. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly—from the sky—a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos cup of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE...

Note: A true Southerner has responded to this piece. Things you would never hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much he’s had to drink, no matter how far from the South he’s wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening... I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex Duct tape won't fix that Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken We don't keep firearms in this house Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog I thought...

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup...

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the...

A businessman, who was previously a sailor, knew that ships are always addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To resolve this he set up two groups of computer experts, one of women and one of men. He asked each group to determine whether computers should be referred to in the feminine or the masculine gender. Each gave four reasons for their recommendations. The group of women said computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: In...

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, Father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa...

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," said the woman. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber...

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her...

Nu, enjoy, Eis mien kinde, Eis. Burp. Latkes In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. Although this is not certain, it has been proven many times that if you've eaten one, you'll have heart burn for the same amount of time. Matzoh The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water--no eggs or flavor at all. When made, well, it could actually taste like...

By Bruce Marcus and Lori Factor-Marcus 'Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews, My girlfriend and me—we had nothing to do. The Gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care, Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there. But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down, There was nothing but boredom all over town. The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight; There weren't any concerts to go to that night. A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing, But we searched...

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," says the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken." Submitted by reader K.T.

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days...

With the holiday season approaching, please look into your heart to help those in need. Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. And, as if that weren't bad enough, they'll be deprived of pay for several weeks—possibly a whole year—as a result of the current lock-out situation. But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month—about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is...

A visitor to a small Southern town was admiring the town's Nativity Scene. However, one small feature bothered him: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with an explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You Yankees never did read your Bibles!" The visitor assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible...

The Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the '90s: Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off. You have actually faxed or e-mailed your Christmas list to your...

Three fine young cannibals were up for induction into manhood. All they needed to do was pass a simple two part test. If they passed the test they would become men. If not, they would be eaten. The chief cannibal called the three young men together and told them that the first part of their test was for each of them to go into the woods and find 10 identical pieces of fruit. The chief dispatched the young men and it wasn’t long before the first young cannibal returned with 10 bananas. The chief...

Possible titles for Monica Lewinsky's forthcoming book: I Suck At My Job What Really Goes Down In The White House How I Blew It In Washington You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President Clear and Present Boner Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule Going Back for Gore Podium Girl Secret Services to the President Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton Deep Inside The Oval Office The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions She's Chief of MY Staff! Al Gore Is In...

Arafat Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which one?" Arafat asks nervously. "It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday." Mother A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?" She said, "Not too good. I've been very...

The Cleveland Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage—about 20 minutes—during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I...

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, Señor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Señor, cojones," the waiter explains, "they are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement...

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no...

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania. They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control, Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her...

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself....

A woman walks into a dermatologist's office complaining of a rash. She lifts her shirt and shows the doctor a rash on her chest in the shape of a backwards G. The dermatologist asks, "How did this happen?" "Well," she explains, "my boyfriend plays football for Georgia Tech, and he likes to wear his jersey when we have sex." The doctor accepts this and gives her a lotion for the rash. The next day another girl walks into his office, and shows him an H-shaped rash on her chest. "Does your boyfriend play...

Actor Samuel L. Jackson, of Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown fame, will play "Jedi Master Mace Windu" in the upcoming Episode One of the Star Wars series. braverman.org, having obtained a script on the black market, is pleased to excerpt some of Mace Windu's lines: "You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for." "Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker." "This is...

The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books' worth of entries. Some recent winners: "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it." "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens." "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick...

The following is probably apocryphal, but so what? At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Gates' comments, GM's Bill Welch issued a press release in reply, saying, If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with...

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Business at the First Bank of Hiroshima has completely bombed, and the Okinawa Bank remains an island unto itself. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and...

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. He then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes...

"Got here early. You know me, how I take the bus down... Down from Long Island Shelter. Let me tell you, that place's bad news. I got to get outta there." The roaches they run for cover. My usual struggle to force the copy machine's door back on again, while she talks about her boyfriend. And how he's picked up. So there's a smile, "Well it's Friday. "You made it through another week." But really, just can't think of anything better to say. "You know that's right." Keeps shaking her head, "'Cause you...

He drives his battered '82 Renault up the newly smoothed dirt and gravel road and over the crest of the hill. The Ausauble Club lodge appears before him suddenly, massively. A giant old lodge for the rich and their exploits here in the heart of the Adiron-dacks for over a century, its whitewashed planks and forest green shutters seem to go on forever; a full six stories high in a land where height is not only horrendously expensive but also horrendously useless-and nearly two city blocks long (and over...

A horse and a chicken grew up together on the farm, and they were the best of friends. They went everywhere together. One day the horse waded into the pond to get a drink, and he realized that his feet were stuck in the mud and that he was sinking. He yelled for the chicken and said, "I'm stuck in the mud and sinking, go get help, go get the farmer!" The chicken ran to the house and, realizing the farmer wasn't home, grabbed the car keys, flapped to the garage, backed out the BMW, drove down by the...

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand...

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd: no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, also known as the "Pillsbury Dough Boy," died Monday of a yeast infection. He was 31. Fresh was buried Thursday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities attended, including Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, the Keebler Elves and Hungry Jack. The graveside was pilled high with flours; longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later...

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Carl, Bob, and Brett. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was four feet tall, dirty, and they could smell her even over the Brimstone. They heard the voice of the Devil: "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of...

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery." Priest...

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising. Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was—a picture of Jesus on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails." The old man immediately met with his...

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks," his friend said, "I'm gonna miss her." A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here." Hangover: The wrath of grapes. Income Tax: Capital punishment. A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be....

Allie Barkley sprinted from the Student Center to her dorm, Alliance Hall, doing her best to run between the snowflakes which had begun to interfere with her weekend. She didn't have far to run, so she made it to the security booth with only a few blotches of snow adorning her hair and shoulders. The security guard (actually another student rather than the infamous Rent-A-Cops which had begun to pop up around campus) recognized her and buzzed her through. Few people at Utrecht University failed to...

Pretty is as pretty does. I don't know why I'm thinking this. I wonder if I'm still pretty. And how long this has been going on. Sometimes I hear crying. A woman's voice, high and harsh. Singing, once in a while. Many voices, babbling on and on. And mostly silence, out there in the velvety blackness. Tired, that's what I am. I need rest. It's just like sleep, drifting off. Some words make sense. Alice. Then I realize, that's my name. I am Alice. There are scenes that stand out as clear as daylight. The...

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so she reached into her purse, pulled out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, now that's a good idea! What's that you're putting over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that she could purchase them at a pharmacy. When the...

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time...

How many remember this classic from the early days of the Internet? Top 10 Sexually Tilted Lines In Star Wars: A New Hope "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid." "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!" "Look at the size of that thing!" "Sorry about the mess..." "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought." "Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?" "You've got something jammed in here real good." "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!" "Luke...