Events

Started at Millbrae Caltrain station. Wikipedia article. Book 1 of 5.

I'm in the Bay Area seeing family and friends, which means lots of time on Caltrain up and down the peninsula but not a lot of time in the city.

I'm getting ready to travel, so all you're getting this morning is a photo of Butters from Sunday:

My job involves driving a van around neighborhoods looking for customers. You see, most people are too embarrassed to call for help, even when the problem gets so bad that they have trouble living in their house. So I cruise around areas, looking for certain signs that might indicate a problem, sometimes calling into the dispatcher in case someone has the courage to admit they need help. It's a decent job, somewhat humbling for me with all my degrees and experience. Still, it pays well and the work...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, became doctors and prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Chanukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know...

Out in farm country, old Nigel had a different sort of fetish. Every so often he would sneak into a neighbor's farm and go joyriding on a tractor. After a few of these nocturnal jaunts, which usually resulted in a destroyed farm implement, his neighbors figured out what was happening. A mob of angry farmers chased him halfway around the county, and finally catching him, they beat him badly enough to put him in a wheelchair. All Nigel could do was look wistfully at the tractors tilling the fields from...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before we kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns...

Gina comes from Hard Canny, Merlin. If you've grown up or lived in Maryland for any part of your life, you'll find this hits rather close to home. Maryland is divided into semi-tribal areas called Cannies (i.e., "counties"; e.g., Ballmer Canny, PeeJee Canny, Hard Canny, etc.). The dialect area is centered on a market center called Glimburny (Glen Burnie), where the people come on weekends to trade their goods. Speakers of Merlin dialect are all able to understand standard English from babyhood, chiefly...

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5...

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a quit-smoking patch on it. He turns to the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other priest replies, "It's working just fine for me. I'm down to two butts a day." Submitted by reader B.P.