Events

You're 5'4", can bench-press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and you still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 mortadella "sangwitches," 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular paper lunch bag. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 black Mercury. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk...

Purchased on Amazon, 28 Feb 2002

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" "Why, yes," replied the lady. "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing." Submitted by reader S.P.

This one first came to us in 1995. It's a classic. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Sell Girl Scout cookies. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and...

Here are the new rules regarding displays of patriotism in the U.S.: To buy an American flag, you must present proof you have voted at least once in the last three elections (yes, local and state elections count). To display an American flag in any form, you must present proof of voter registration. To wave an American flag in public, you must be able to name at least one of the following: Your Senator Your Representative Your President ("George Bush" does not count; ambiguous) To sell any product with...