A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume
bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man
and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Submitted by reader B.P.
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard.
He also was quite a spiritual person.
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became
quite thin and frail.
Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
Therefore, he came to be known as a "super-calloused fragile mystic
plagued with halitosis."
Submitted by reader C.K.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Submitted by reader M.K.
At a small gathering, talk grows serious when a minister asks three men this
question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning
upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear someone say that I was a great
doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear someone say, 'LOOK!!! HE'S
Submitted by reader J.H.
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools"
together, she made for the nearest frozen water. After positioning
her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly—from the sky—a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos
cup of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from
the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the
opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the ice rink manager!"
Submitted by reader M.B.
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they
liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it
in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased
the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of
the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
Submitted by reader C.K.
Note: A true Southerner has responded to this piece.
Things you would never hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much he’s had to drink, no matter how far from the South he’s wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...
- I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex
- Duct tape won't fix that
- Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
- We don't keep firearms in this house
- Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
- You can't feed that to the dog
- I thought Graceland was tacky
- No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe
- Wrasslin's fake
- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
- We're vegetarians
- Do you think my hair is too big?
- I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
- Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
- Who's Richard Petty?
- Give me the small bag of pork rinds
- Deer heads detract from the decor
- Spitting is such a nasty habit
- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
- Trim the fat off the steak
- Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
- The tires on that truck are too big
- I'll have the arugula and radacchio salad
- I've got it all on a floppy disk
- Unsweetened tea tastes better
- Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
- My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
- I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
- Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
- She's too old to be wearing a bikini
- Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
- Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen
- I don't have a favorite college team
- Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side
- I believe you cooked those green beans too long
- Those shorts ought to be a little longer
And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is...
Submitted by reader M.G.
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment
overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old
Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces
herself to the old man.
She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and
what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In
the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I
go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of
illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day
for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
Submitted by reader C.K.
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the
same day were led down to the room in which they would meet
their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal
speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had
been said among the participants.
The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son,
do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir,
I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you,
son? What is your final request?"
"Please," begged the condemned man, "kill me first."
Submitted by reader S.P.
A businessman, who was previously a sailor, knew that ships are always addressed
as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.
To resolve this he set up two groups of computer experts, one of women and one of men.
He asked each group to determine whether computers should be
referred to in the feminine or the masculine gender. Each gave four reasons for their
The group of women said computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them
- They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited
a little longer you could have had a better model.
The group of men concluded that computers should be referred
to in the feminine gender because:
- No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible
to everyone else.
- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Submitted by reader K.T.