The Jewish community in Madrid needed horseradish for making chrain (horseradish) for Pesach, but all the European Union countries gave them the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send."
In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by air freight to Madrid.
Two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Aleph tear-jerking Israeli (chrain) horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the next El Al flight to Madrid, and all seemed to be well.
Unfortunately, when the Rabbi went to the Madrid Airport to claim the horseradish he was informed that a wildcat strike had just broken out and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days.
As a result, the chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.
Submitted by reader M.B.
A very good and pious Jewish man, Samuel Goldberg, dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.
When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time...nothing but mitzvahs. Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."
The angel thought for a moment and then says, "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to be anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."
The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his apartment. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, an 85 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his apartment. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.
Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on. Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've done."
Submitted by reader M.B.
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman at a nearby table.
She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sends a reply to her, which reads:
"I happen to have a Ferrari Testarossa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; and I have a net worth well over twenty-million dollars. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."
Submitted by reader M.G.
Many years ago, there was a man in Bathsheba who asked his servant to go to market. His servant had served faithfully for many years; though his hair was white, he stood as tall as a young date tree in the autumn whose leaves are beginning to fall while the fruit of abundance draws to an end about it.
The servant went to market, and among the throng he saw Death, dressed in black and as pale as the moon that grows thin. Death made a gesture, and the servant grew frightened; for, although there were many people in the marketplace, who crowded to buy the things that would bring them joy while they lived, none of them heeded the lonely pair.
And he ran home to his master, and he said, "Master, today I saw Death in the market amid the throng. And he made a threatening gesture to me. Master, I shall make haste and I shall ride like the wind to Samarra, for Samarra is many miles from here, and Death will not find me there."
So the servant rode away to Samarra, and his master was sorely troubled, as is the traveler in the desert who is called to the side of his dying father and his long journey draws to an end. And he went to the market and he sought out Death, whose dress was dark as the sea at night when the fisherman is lost, and his face was as pale as a grave on a frosty night.
And the master said to Death, "Why did you make a threatening gesture at my servant? He has done me good service, and is old in years."
And Death replied, "I made no threatening gesture at your servant. That was a start of surprise. For I saw him this morning in Bathsheba, but this night I was to meet him many miles away in Samarra."
Submitted by reader S.P.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She
hung around and eventually the construction crewgems in the rough all of
themmore or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the
dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew
building a house all week."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week too?"
"I will, if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us
the fuckin' drywall," replied the little girl.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says,"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs!"
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
Submitted by reader N.A.
Visitor Meade Skelton Haufe, annoyed that myths
about Southern Americans continue to propagate through the Internet, got
even with us. He wrote:
As a True Southerner
I am extremely offended by your trite and
slanderous humor against the Southern people.
What kind of ignorant dribble is this? The imperialistic Yankee-ized
massed media shoves this down our throats time and time
again. We are told to get rid of our Southern "accents" no matter how proper our
English is and no matter how well eduacted we might be.
Here, then, is Mr Haufe's answer:
Things a Northerner would never, ever say
- Where are my manners?
- I can't wear that—it's polyester!
- Socialism is wrong!
- Don't you think Howard Stern is a pervert?
- Dear, I don't think its polite to brag about our bank account
- But...isn't that a sin?
- Thank you
- You're Welcome
- Do I sound too nasal?
- I don't care for bowling or Polka music
- I think I'll vote Republican
- Excuse me, I didn't mean to belch
- There's more to life than money and foreign cars
- Honest Abe...was a liar!
- Who's Frank Sinatra?
- Obey the speed limit
- I don't want to be too conventional
- OH MY GOD! ITS SNOWING!
- We'v e got the pretteist women around!
Thanks, Meade, from all of us in the Union. (And by the way, we hate polka.)
Submitted by reader M.H.