Three nuns are sitting at lunch one day. The first one says, "I was
cleaning the Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A
bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting
away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."
Submitted by reader C.K.
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard.
He also was quite a spiritual person.
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became
quite thin and frail.
Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
Therefore, he came to be known as a "super-calloused fragile mystic
plagued with halitosis."
Submitted by reader C.K.
A Jewish boy is going off to college, and his father says to him: "Look,
we've never been a religious family, so I'm not expecting you to become
suddenly religious. But promise me one thing: You won't marry a shiksa."
The boy promises this and assures his father that he won't.
Sure enough, his senior year at school he falls in love with a beautiful
Irish girl. She loves him too, but he tells her he can't marry her because
she's not Jewish.
"Don't worry," she says. "I'll convert."
After serious study, the girl converts. They marry and go off on their
honeymoon in Monaco. Four weeks later, back at home, Saturday morning
at 8:00, the phone rings at their house. It's the boy's father. He's
livid.
"You know the last Saturday of every month we go over the books at the
office. Why aren't you here?"
"I can't come," the boy says. "My wife says it's forbidden. It's
Shabbat. We're heading off to shul."
"I told you not to marry a shiksa," the father screams.
Submitted by reader E.S.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume
bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man
and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Submitted by reader B.P.
A large green frog hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter and says to the teller, "I want a loan."
The teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall, and the name on the door says 'Patricia Wack.'"
So the frog hops off the counter, down the hall and to Mrs. Wack's office. He jumps up on her desk and says, "I want a loan."
Mrs. Wack, quite puzzled, gives the standard line, "We must have some collateral to secure the loan."
At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan.
So Patricia picks up the ceramic lion, goes in to the bank president's office, places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells her, "I have this frog in my office who says he wants a loan, and this is what he has to secure it. I don't even know what this thing is."
The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Mrs. Wack, looks back at the ceramic lion and finally says:
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."
Submitted by reader C.K.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Submitted by reader M.K.
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools"
together, she made for the nearest frozen water. After positioning
her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly—from the sky—a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos
cup of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from
the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the
opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the ice rink manager!"
Submitted by reader M.B.
At a small gathering, talk grows serious when a minister asks three men this
question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning
upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear someone say that I was a great
doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear someone say, 'LOOK!!! HE'S
MOVING!!!'"
Submitted by reader J.H.
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they
liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it
in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased
the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off
a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of
the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
Submitted by reader C.K.
Note: A true Southerner has responded to this piece.
Things you would never hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much he’s had to drink, no matter how far from the South he’s wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...
- I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex
- Duct tape won't fix that
- Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
- We don't keep firearms in this house
- Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
- You can't feed that to the dog
- I thought Graceland was tacky
- No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe
- Wrasslin's fake
- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
- We're vegetarians
- Do you think my hair is too big?
- I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
- Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
- Who's Richard Petty?
- Give me the small bag of pork rinds
- Deer heads detract from the decor
- Spitting is such a nasty habit
- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
- Trim the fat off the steak
- Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
- The tires on that truck are too big
- I'll have the arugula and radacchio salad
- I've got it all on a floppy disk
- Unsweetened tea tastes better
- Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
- My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
- I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
- Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
- Checkmate
- She's too old to be wearing a bikini
- Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
- Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen
- I don't have a favorite college team
- Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side
- I believe you cooked those green beans too long
- Those shorts ought to be a little longer
And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is...
Submitted by reader M.G.