A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A man walks up and gives the octopus a guitar. The octopus starts playing better than Yngwie Malmsteen, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Chuck Mangione. So the man pays his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye canna play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
Submitted by reader B.P.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 m.p.h. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma’am," the officer replies, "you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty–two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
Submitted by reader S.P.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and
their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the
English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed
in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't
wearing any knickers! The English man stormed over and angrily demanded a reason
for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little
allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The
Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to
Mark and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish man's wife caught
her foot on a mole hill, tripped up and landed in a heap
on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing
that she wasn't wearing and knickers either! The Irish man was
livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot
afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand
into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an
exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing
that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate was the same
as the others: Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand
into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."
An old woman went to visit her daughter and found her naked, waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"
She responds, "This is the dress of love."
"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."
Submitted by reader S.P.
There was once a medical student specializing in pathology who truly wanted to excel in his studies. Without fail, he would daily visit the school's path lab following his classes to do extra work.
One evening he uncovered a cadaver only to notice a cork plugging its rectum. Curious, he removed the cork only to hear, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..."
Startled, he replaced the cork. Curiosity soon got the best of him and he,once again, removed the cork. Again, he heard the same tune, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..."
He could stand it no more. He replaced the cork, covered the cadaver and raced upstairs to his professor's office. He persuaded the man to accompany him back to the lab. Once there, the student again uncovered the cadaver and displayed the corked rectum. The professor looked unfazed. When the student removed the cork, the same tune emanated: "On the road again, I just...".
The professor looked bored and started to walk away. The student was aghast at this casual response. He said to the professor, "Don't you find this amazing?"
The professor replied, "Not really. Most any asshole can sing country."
Submitted by reader M.B.
A man pulls off the road when he sees his producer friend with a wrecked car off on the side. The car is a total loss, covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Oh," the friend responds, "I hit an agent."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about all the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, to catch him, I had to chase him all through the park."
Submitted by reader M.B.
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.
"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby look!" said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta' died."
Submitted by reader M.B.
Here are some Country & Western hits not likely to make the top 10:
- "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Till She Chose Somebody Else)"
- "Stand by Your Mensch"
- "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?"
- "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
- "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
- "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
- "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
- "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
- "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
- "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom,' I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
- "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
- "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
- "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"
Submitted by reader M.B.
An elderly couple was driving cross country, and the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the Highway Patrol. As she rolls don the
window, the officer says, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, who is hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What
did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
Then the patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him his license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I been there before,
had the worst sex with a woman in my life."
The woman turns to her husband and says, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
Submitted by reader M.B.