The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: Bungee jumping

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'piñata'?"

Submitted by reader M.G.

Joke: Nun the wiser

Three nuns are sitting at lunch one day. The first one says, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Lawyer's charity

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that you have a yearly income of more than $600,000, yet you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and then replied, "First of all, did your research also show that my mother is dying from a long illness and she has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"Secondly, my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted: "Plus, my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

The lawyer interrupted again, "And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"

Submitted by reader S.S.

Joke: the Banking frog

A large green frog hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter and says to the teller, "I want a loan."

The teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall, and the name on the door says 'Patricia Wack.'"

So the frog hops off the counter, down the hall and to Mrs. Wack's office. He jumps up on her desk and says, "I want a loan."

Mrs. Wack, quite puzzled, gives the standard line, "We must have some collateral to secure the loan."

At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan.

So Patricia picks up the ceramic lion, goes in to the bank president's office, places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells her, "I have this frog in my office who says he wants a loan, and this is what he has to secure it. I don't even know what this thing is."

The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Mrs. Wack, looks back at the ceramic lion and finally says:

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Jewish marriage

A Jewish boy is going off to college, and his father says to him: "Look, we've never been a religious family, so I'm not expecting you to become suddenly religious. But promise me one thing: You won't marry a shiksa."

The boy promises this and assures his father that he won't.

Sure enough, his senior year at school he falls in love with a beautiful Irish girl. She loves him too, but he tells her he can't marry her because she's not Jewish.

"Don't worry," she says. "I'll convert."

After serious study, the girl converts. They marry and go off on their honeymoon in Monaco. Four weeks later, back at home, Saturday morning at 8:00, the phone rings at their house. It's the boy's father. He's livid.

"You know the last Saturday of every month we go over the books at the office. Why aren't you here?"

"I can't come," the boy says. "My wife says it's forbidden. It's Shabbat. We're heading off to shul."

"I told you not to marry a shiksa," the father screams.

Submitted by reader E.S.

Joke: Valentines

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Submitted by reader B.P.

Pun: Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Therefore, he came to be known as a "super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: the Elder Driver

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Submitted by reader M.K.

Joke: Ice fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen water. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly—from the sky—a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos cup of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, I'm the ice rink manager!"

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Christian Pets

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Submitted by reader C.K.