The Daily Parker

Reader MB sent some art from Murphy, N.C.:

She writes:

[I] saw your request for winter wonderland pictures on Facebook and thought you may be interested to see what Murphy, N.C., looked like during the past few days. We were supposed to get a max of 8 cm on the 25th according to initial reports, but I think the total was closer to 40 cm as of 10am [Monday] morning when the sun finally decided to show its face.

Meanwhile, the rest of the East Coast continues to dig out. Today's snow pack map from NOAA's snow center still shows pretty heavy coverage from Maine to the Carolinas:

I've just pushed out an interim build of the Inner Drive Technology demonstration project, Weather Now. In addition to fixing a couple of annoying bugs, I added a significant new feature. The weather lists on the home page now can show whatever text I want for the weather station names. Before, it could only show their official designations, which made the lists harder to use.

You can see how useful this is immediately. The list of NFL football games now shows you what game the weather goes with. Also, I added arbitrary sort ordering and station begin/end times, so the lists you see today may not be the same as the lists you see tomorrow.

These features take the site a half-step closer to the next major release, due at the end of January, that will allow you—yes, you—to set up your own lists. That feature set will take a while to develop, which explains why I wanted to get this half-point release out first.

I'm not entirely sure what I think of this:

Amazon is working on a solution that could revolutionize digital gift buying. The online retailer has quietly patented a way for people to return gifts before they receive them, and the patent documents even mention poor Aunt Mildred. Amazon's innovation, not ready for this Christmas season, includes an option to "Convert all gifts from Aunt Mildred," the patent says. "For example, the user may specify such a rule because the user believes that this potential sender has different tastes than the user." In other words, the consumer could keep an online list of lousy gift-givers whose choices would be vetted before anything ships.

The proposal has also brought into focus a very costly part of the e-retailing business model: Up to 30 percent of purchases are returned, and the cost of getting rejected gifts back across the country and onto shelves has online retailers scrambling for ways to reduce these expenses.

Amazon's patent is 12 pages long, with numerous diagrams, including a "Gift Conversion Rules Wizard" that shows how a user could select rules such as, "No clothes with wool." The document makes for curious reading, reducing the art of gift giving to the dry language of patentry.

So, someone buys you a gift through Amazon, who in turn send you an email warning you about the gift, so you can take the money the other person paid and apply it to something you would prefer. That seems kind of...rude, don't you think?

On the other hand, it might cut economic deadweight loss around the holidays....

The patent is number 7,831,439.

The Economist's Anthony Gardner didn't mind getting stranded:

Sure, there were dark moments. The first came with the news that our delayed flight from Cairo to Heathrow was being diverted to Brussels; the second, when we learnt that all the airport hotels were full. But thereafter things began to look up. Though it was after midnight by the time Egyptair despatched us to the Hotel Le Plaza in the city centre, its elegant lobby told us that we had landed firmly on our feet.

Brussels—a city I had never previously had a chance to explore—looked magical through a veil of snowflakes. The scene at the Grande Place could not have been more Christmassy: a large, brightly-lit tree; a life-size crib with real sheep; stalls selling Glühwein and waffles. As we feasted on moules et frites in a cosy restaurant with an open fire, our ordeal felt like a holiday at someone else’s expense.

In fairness, one should note that Brussels' city center and Newark's airport have different, ah, characteristics. A year ago I had a 13-hour delay at Heathrow—but I also had an Oyster Card. Never mind my winter coat was in checked baggage; I popped out of the Tube at Piccadilly, bought a warm-enough jacket for £20, and spent the day wandering London.

This demonstrates a problem with most American airports: they aren't near anything. We joke about Newark, but at least from there you can catch a commuter train straight to Penn Station in midtown Manhattan. If you're stuck at LaGuardia or Kennedy, you're really stuck, unless you're happy taking a bus for an hour or taking the A train through some "colorful" parts of New York.

Chicago, Boston, Washington, San Francisco, and to some extent Philadelphia have relatively easy access from the airport to the interesting parts. Stuck at Mid-Continent International? Maybe you find yourself at Hartsfield for a few hours? Enjoy. At least you're not in Denver International, an hour away from the city by car, without any reasonable transit options.

So, sure, Mr Gardner had a delightful time stranded in Brussels. Who wouldn't, in his circumstances? I only hope that my friends who can't get home today and can't leave the airport either manage to stay sane.

Yesterday's storm, which right now has parked itself over Cape Cod, dumped 80 cm of snow on parts of New Jersey and pretty much shut down New York:

Morning commuters faced the daunting prospect of cutting fresh tracks in over a foot of snow along roads and sidewalks that looked more like Colorado than the urban north. In New York City, a badly crippled subway system hobbled along, but Long Island Rail Road service remained suspended early on Monday, as did some New Jersey Transit and Metro-North Railroad lines.

The storm’s timing was diabolical — too late for a white Christmas, but just in time to disrupt the plans of thousands of people trying to get home after the holiday, return unwanted gifts or take advantage of post-holiday bargains at stores. Public schools were not in session, much to the dismay of many children.

By 7 a.m. Monday, 50 cm covered Central Park, according to the National Weather Service. The deepest snow was recorded in Elizabeth, N.J., where 80 cm fell. By sunrise, the storm had largely moved on from New York City, heading northeast out past Long Island and up over Nantucket, gradually weakening, the weather service said.

I'm hoping friends out East will send photos. Meanwhile, here's one from the New Year's Eve storm 10 years ago, on 30 December 2000:

I know this will incite some regular Daily Parker readers, but we should get used to storms like this more often. They're a predicted consequence of climate change.

I can imagine that my friends in the Northeast aren't too happy today:

URGENT - WINTER WEATHER MESSAGE
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE NEW YORK NY
1240 PM EST SUN DEC 26 2010

...DANGEROUS WINTER STORM IMMINENT...

...BLIZZARD WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 PM EST MONDAY...

* HAZARDS...HEAVY SNOW AND STRONG WINDS...WITH CONSIDERABLE
  BLOWING AND DRIFTING OF SNOW WITH NEAR ZERO VISIBILITY AT
  TIMES.

* ACCUMULATIONS...15 TO 20 INCHES...WITH LOCALLY HIGHER AMOUNTS UP
  TO 2 FEET POSSIBLE.

* IMPACTS...EXTREMELY DANGEROUS TRAVEL CONDITIONS DEVELOPING
  THIS AFTERNOON INTO THE EVENING DUE TO SIGNIFICANT SNOW
  ACCUMULATIONS...AND STRONG WINDS CAUSING CONSIDERABLE BLOWING
  AND DRIFTING OF SNOW. VISIBILITIES WILL BE NEAR ZERO AT
  TIMES... WITH WHITEOUT CONDITIONS EXPECTED. STRONG WINDS MAY
  ALSO DOWN SOME POWER LINES...TREE LIMBS...AND CHRISTMAS
  DECORATIONS.

* TIMING...SNOW WILL BECOME HEAVY AT TIMES THIS AFTERNOON INTO
  MUCH OF TONIGHT. THE SNOW WILL TAPER OFF FROM WEST TO EAST
  MONDAY MORNING...BUT STRONG NORTHWEST WINDS WILL PERSIST THROUGH
  THE AFTERNOON.

* WINDS....DURING THE HEIGHT OF THE STORM TONIGHT...NORTH WINDS
  WILL INCREASE TO 25 TO 35 MPH WITH GUSTS OF 40 TO 60 MPH.
  ISOLATED HIGHER GUSTS ARE POSSIBLE ACROSS LONG ISLAND.

We've got a little lake-effect snow right now, with about 15 cm on the ground, but nothing too heinous. Parker, in fact, just got half an hour of running around in it at Oz Park. He's even doing better on recall. Not much better, but still.

This came to me in 1988 from the Internet (though back then no one called it "the Internet" and we ramped onto it through CompuServe). Enjoy.

Hotline!

By James Zachary

Every now and again, a caller to the water and wastewater department will ask about issues of national concern.

RING!

Southeast plant, this is Zack.

"I am taking a survey for my organization. Do you have time to answer a few questions?"

Ma'am, this is a sewage plant...

"You are a taxpayer and a voter, aren't you?"

Yes Ma'am, but...

"This will only take a few moments. Do you think prophylactics should be on television?"

Say what?

"Prophylactics...condoms...they are..."

I KNOW what they are, lady.

"Should they be on your TV?"

What good would they do on my TV? It never leaves the house...

"DO YOU FAVOR ADVERTISING THEM ON TV!?"

I could care less.

"WELL, YOU BETTER CARE! THERE IS AN AIDS EPIDEMIC GOING ON AND THE PUBLIC IS BASICALLY IGNORANT!"

You seem to be a living testament to that...

"Would advertising them on TV offend you?"

After fourteen years in sewage, nothing much does offend me.

"Now, as a viewer of TV, what names would you find the least offensive?"

Trojan.

"I mean what descriptive name? Condoms...? Prophylactics...?"

Call them rubbers. I don't much care.

"That's a bit crude, don't you think?"

Here at work, we call them whitefish or bottlebass...

"What do you mean 'at work?' You wear them at work...?"

No ma'am. Remember that this is a sewage plant and that anything considered disposable usually winds up being flushed down the commode. Every day we get a few thousand of them buggers floatng in the clarifiers and filters. You seem like you are preparing to lobby for having them advertised on TV, so maybe you can give me a break and tell people to quit flushing them.

"What harm does flushing them do?"

Ma'am, they plug the sewer pipes and everything else. I remember one of the many times that I had to pull a plugged pump. You can never see what is in that mass of goo stuck in the pump impeller, so you just have to reach in and grab hold of it all. Well, some bozo had flushed one of those 'exciter' types...

"What type is that?"

...the kind with antlers. I mean to tell ya, it scared the hell outta me when I latched onto that thing! It was wiggling lite it was alive! For a moment, I thought I had an octopus by the ears...

"Uhhh...you mean...there is more than one type?"

Oh, yes ma'am! Should be interesting to see all of the marketing approaches they will use on TV. Should also be REAL educational for the 'ignorant public' that you are so worried about. We used to keep a bulletin board filled with all of the different sizes, models and colors...

"You are kidding of course..."

Oh, no ma'am! We fished out all fo the novelty items and tacked them up for display. My favorite was one that had the American flag on it.

"The flag? Just where did they put the flag?"

About half-staff...

CLICK!

Hmmmm. She must have dropped the phone while saluting...

I did a production of this for WRHU-FM in 1990 that I'm sure made Jeff Kraus wince.

Apparently this gem came from the International FidoNet Association, an ancient online SIG dedicated to the maintenance and preservation of an even-more-ancient software package.

From 1995, various historical figures answer the age-old question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Plato

For the greater good.

Karl Marx

It was an historical inevitability.

Machiavelli

So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken’s dominion maintained.

Hippocrates

Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida

Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Torquemada

Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.

Timothy Leary

Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams

Forty two.

Nietzsche

Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North

National security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner

Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung

The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean–Paul Sartre

In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein

The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the objects “chicken” and “road,” and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle

To actualize its potential.

Buddha

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Howard Cosell

It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali

The Fish.

Darwin

It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson

Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus

For fun.

Emerson

It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

Goethe

The eternal hen–principle made it do it.

Hemingway

To die. In the rain.

Heisenberg

We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume

Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson

’Cause it (censored) wanted to. That’s the (censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic

What road?

Ronald Reagan

I forget.

John Sununu

The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx

You tell me.

St. Peter

I tell you, I don’t know any chicken.

Thoreau

To live deliberately...and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain

The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Herbert Marcuse

It was beguiled by false needs. Evidently, it was under the impression that the other side of the road was even better than the side it was already on.

Emile Durkheim

The chicken may have been an individual seeking to express its moral imperative in doing the right thing.

George H.W. Bush

Chicken. Road. Crossed it. Just because.

Rush Limbaugh

Get back here, I’m still hungry! The darn thing just up and took off! And that was not the right thing to do.

Bill Clinton

Well, it could have crossed the road, for some reason, which we will determine after a period of study.

Sinead O’Connor

“Flee chicken! Flee and be free!” The chicken wanted freedom from the chicken–eating big people.

Captain Kirk

Perhaps/probably/it seems/to which direction did the chicken go? Bones? Scotty? Spock?

Bones

Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not a Colonel!

Scotty

She’s criss–crossed like a Christmas tree! I’ll need more time!

Spock

Logic suggests the chicken required itself to be on the other side of the road. For which purpose cannot be determined at this time.

Picard

Is it moral to interfere with the chicken’s choices?

Troi

I sense something from the chicken, sir. It’s definitely across the road.

Worf

Tasty.

Karl Marx

In order for the chicken to have increased meat mass, the capitalists required the chicken to cross the road several times.

Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate

Can we talk about this? I mean, I’m not so happy right now and I’d rather not answer the question.

F. Lee Bailey

Objection, your Honor. My opponent is leading the chicken.

Spike Lee

It’s a chicken thing. You wouldn’t understand.

Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally...

You know, chickens and ducks can never really be friends.

A spokesman for Pat Robertson has clarified the Rev's stance on pot:

Dr. Robertson did not call for the decriminalization of marijuana. He was advocating that our government revisit the severity of the existing laws because mandatory drug sentences do harm to many young people who go to prison and come out as hardened criminals. He was also pointing out that these mandatory sentences needlessly cost our government millions of dollars when there are better approaches available. Dr. Robertson's comments followed a CBN News story about a group of conservatives who have proven that faith-based rehabilitation for criminals has resulted in lower repeat offenders and saved the government millions of dollars. Dr. Robertson unequivocally stated that he is against the use of illegal drugs.

Yes, faith-based rehabilitation for the criminals who use the Demon Weed will surely result in less economic deadweight loss and fewer ruined lives than, say, accepting that prohibition failed. (Whoops! I mean marijuana prohibition, which is obviously and totally unlike the 18th Amendment's prohibition of alcohol. I mean, everyone knows that was a disaster. Alcohol, as everyone knows, is safer than pot and more culturally relevant, so of course drawing a general lesson about drug laws from the 1930s isn't appropriate.)

Do you know why the Senate doesn't seem to get anything done? It might have something to do with the 63 filibusters they perpetrated in the current Congress. That's more filibusters than the Senate had from 1919 to 1982 combined, and two more than the previous record, which they set in the last Congress.

Drill down into the lists of individual cloture actions in each Congress, and you get a sense of just how obstructionist the Republicans have become.