The Daily Parker

Here are the new rules regarding displays of patriotism in the U.S.:

1. To buy an American flag, you must present proof you have voted at least once in the last three elections (yes, local and state elections count).
2. To display an American flag in any form, you must present proof of voter registration.
3. To wave an American flag in public, you must be able to name at least one of the following:
   • Your Senator
   • Your Representative
   • Your President ("George Bush" does not count; ambiguous)
4. To sell any product with an American flag on it, you must answer the following question:
   The Bill of Rights is part of:
   • the Constitution
   • the Magna Carta
   • the Declaration of Independence
5. Those heard singing patriotic songs in public may be asked to show their voter registration cards.
6. To be permitted to scream "Nuke Afghanistan", you must be able to correctly locate Afghanistan on a map or globe.
7. To be permitted to scream "Arabs go home", you must list and correctly locate ten Arab homelands.
8. Those who wish to express opinions about Arabs and Arab-Americans must pass the following test:
   1. Those who follow the religion of Islam are called:
      • Moslems
      • Muslins
      • Fanatics
   2. The holy book of Islam is called:
      • The Koran
      • The Koram
      • The Bible
   3. In Arabic, God is called:
      • Ali
      • Allah
      • Jehova
9. Priority for purchase of American flags will be given to those whose ancestors lived on American soil the longest. When all American Indians who wish to display the red, white and blue are satisfied, other applicants will be accepted.
10. A call for war on any radio talk-show will be construed as a public declaration of willingness to enlist in the US Army; callers will have 24 hours to complete the paperwork.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Submitted by reader S.S.