The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: Horseradish for Pesach

The Jewish community in Madrid needed horseradish for making chrain (horseradish) for Pesach, but all the European Union countries gave them the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send."

In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by air freight to Madrid.

Two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Aleph tear-jerking Israeli (chrain) horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the next El Al flight to Madrid, and all seemed to be well.

Unfortunately, when the Rabbi went to the Madrid Airport to claim the horseradish he was informed that a wildcat strike had just broken out and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days.

As a result, the chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.

Submitted by reader M.B.

List: Modern defintions

Algorithm
\al-go-rhythm\ Tempo with which the ex-Vice President does the Macarena
Arbitrator
\ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ A cook who quits Arby's to work at McDonald's
Avoidable
\uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney
\buh-lo'-nee' \ Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette
\burn'-a-det' \ The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize
\bur'-gler-ize' \ What a crook sees with
Colin Powell
Nickname of Doctor Powell, the prominent proctologist
Control
\kon'-trol\ A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters
\kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Define
\de-fine\ What de judge levels against de defendant
Dick Cheney
\dik-chainy\ Series of tiny metal links encircling the male organ during kinky sex
Eyedropper
\i'-drop-ur\ A clumsy ophthalmologist
George Bush
The pubic area of President Washington
Heroes
\hee-rhos'\ What a guy in a small boat does
Left Bank
\left' bangk' \ What the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Marc Rich
What Samuel L. Clemens' parents boasted when he received his first royalty check for Huckleberry Finn
Misty
\mis-tee' \ How golfers create divots
Parasites
\par'-ih-sites' \ What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
Pharmacist
\farm'-uh-sist \ A helper on the farm
Polarize
\po'-lur-ize' \ What penguins see with
Primate
\pri'-mate' \ Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief
\ree-leef' \ What trees do in the spring
Selfish
\sel'-fish' \ What the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued
\sub-dood' \ Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
Sudafed
\sood'-a-fed' \ Brought litigation against a government official

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: The Mitzvah

A very good and pious Jewish man, Samuel Goldberg, dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.

When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time...nothing but mitzvahs. Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."

The angel thought for a moment and then says, "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to be anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."

The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his apartment. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, an 85 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his apartment. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.

Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on. Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've done."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: The Wine Bottle

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman at a nearby table.

She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note reads:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends a reply to her, which reads:

"I happen to have a Ferrari Testarossa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; and I have a net worth well over twenty-million dollars. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

Submitted by reader M.G.

Fable: Death and the Servant

Many years ago, there was a man in Bathsheba who asked his servant to go to market. His servant had served faithfully for many years; though his hair was white, he stood as tall as a young date tree in the autumn whose leaves are beginning to fall while the fruit of abundance draws to an end about it.

The servant went to market, and among the throng he saw Death, dressed in black and as pale as the moon that grows thin. Death made a gesture, and the servant grew frightened; for, although there were many people in the marketplace, who crowded to buy the things that would bring them joy while they lived, none of them heeded the lonely pair.

And he ran home to his master, and he said, "Master, today I saw Death in the market amid the throng. And he made a threatening gesture to me. Master, I shall make haste and I shall ride like the wind to Samarra, for Samarra is many miles from here, and Death will not find me there."

So the servant rode away to Samarra, and his master was sorely troubled, as is the traveler in the desert who is called to the side of his dying father and his long journey draws to an end. And he went to the market and he sought out Death, whose dress was dark as the sea at night when the fisherman is lost, and his face was as pale as a grave on a frosty night.

And the master said to Death, "Why did you make a threatening gesture at my servant? He has done me good service, and is old in years."

And Death replied, "I made no threatening gesture at your servant. That was a start of surprise. For I saw him this morning in Bathsheba, but this night I was to meet him many miles away in Samarra."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: The Construction Helper

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew—gems in the rough all of them—more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will, if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fuckin' drywall," replied the little girl.

Joke: Billings Bar Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says,"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs!"

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Submitted by reader N.A.

List: Rules for Aviation Safety

  1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
  4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
  5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.
  6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
  12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
  15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
  16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
  18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
  19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It is the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
  24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and the gas in the fuel truck back at the airport.
  25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.
  26. Submitted by reader S.P.

List: A Southerner Responds

Visitor Meade Skelton Haufe, annoyed that myths about Southern Americans continue to propagate through the Internet, got even with us. He wrote:

As a True Southerner I am extremely offended by your trite and slanderous humor against the Southern people. What kind of ignorant dribble is this? The imperialistic Yankee-ized massed media shoves this down our throats time and time again. We are told to get rid of our Southern "accents" no matter how proper our English is and no matter how well eduacted we might be.

Here, then, is Mr Haufe's answer:

Things a Northerner would never, ever say

  • Where are my manners?
  • I can't wear that—it's polyester!
  • Socialism is wrong!
  • Don't you think Howard Stern is a pervert?
  • Dear, I don't think its polite to brag about our bank account
  • But...isn't that a sin?
  • Please
  • Thank you
  • You're Welcome
  • Do I sound too nasal?
  • I don't care for bowling or Polka music
  • I think I'll vote Republican
  • Excuse me, I didn't mean to belch
  • There's more to life than money and foreign cars
  • Honest Abe...was a liar!
  • Who's Frank Sinatra?
  • Obey the speed limit
  • I don't want to be too conventional
  • OH MY GOD! ITS SNOWING!
  • We'v e got the pretteist women around!

Thanks, Meade, from all of us in the Union. (And by the way, we hate polka.)

Submitted by reader M.H.

Satire: Martha's Etiquette for Rednecks

Generally

  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  • Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home

  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
  • However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

  • Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

  • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  • Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Submitted by reader D.L.