The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

List: Men are like…

Thanks to L.M. for this one.

Men are like...Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like...Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like...Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like...Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like...Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like...Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like...Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like...Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like...High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like...Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like...Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like...Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Submitted by reader L.M.

Joke: Bible studies

A visitor to a small Southern town was admiring the town's Nativity Scene. However, one small feature bothered him: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Unable to come up with an explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You Yankees never did read your Bibles!"

The visitor assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, finally jabbing her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face, she said "Look, it says right here! 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

Submitted by reader J.H.

Joke: Behavior modification

Joe received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Joe tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Joe put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming--then suddenly there was quiet. Joe was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Joe's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Joe was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Submitted by reader D.B.

List: Rules for Jewish living

  1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
  2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
  3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
  4. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
  5. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
  6. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
  7. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
  8. No meal is complete without leftovers.
  9. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
  10. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
  11. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
  12. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
  13. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
  14. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

And last, but certainly not least:

  1. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

Submitted by reader L.M.

List: Too much '90s?

The Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the '90s:

  • Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
  • Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
  • Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
  • You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
  • You have actually faxed or e-mailed your Christmas list to your parents.
  • Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
  • You consider 3rd day air delivery painfully slow.
  • You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
  • You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
  • Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
  • Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
  • You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
  • You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
  • You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
  • You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
  • You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
  • You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
  • You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
  • You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
  • You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
  • You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:

  • You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. (Or on websites.—ed.)

Submitted by reader M.B.

Letters: the Twelve Days of Christmas

25 December 1998

Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

With deepest love and affection,


26 December 1998

Dearest Bob,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine—two Turtle Doves!! I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable.

My everlasting love,


27 December 1998

My dear Bob,

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity—Three French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist. You’ve been too kind.

All my love,


28 December 1998

Dear Bob,

Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now, really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic.



29 December 1998

Dear Bob,

What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Gold Rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds can really squawk and they are getting on my nerves.



30 December 1998


Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese–a–Laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again. Those geese are huge. Where in the name of creation will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, rightly so, and it is impossible to sleep through the racket. Now let this be the end of this.



31 December 1998


What the hell is with you and these fucking birds? Seven Swans–a–Swimming? What kind of a damn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can’t get a damn bit of sleep and I’m a nervous wreck. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.



1 January 1999

O.K. Pal!

What in screaming hell am I going to do with Eight Maids–a–Milking? Well, shit, I think I prefer the damn birds! The damn maids–a–milking had to bring their damn cows. There is cow shit all over my lawn and bird shit all over the house. I can’t even move my feet. Just leave me the hell alone, smartass.


2 January 1999

Listen, Shithead!

You sadistic bastard! I now have Nine Pipers Piping in my front yard and they are standing knee deep in cow shit. This, after chasing those maids all night long. Consequently, upsetting the cows to the point that they are stepping all over the screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

Up yours,


3 January 1999

You rotten PRICK!

Now there are Ten Ladies Dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts "ladies." They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the damn cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Zoning and the Building Inspector have subpoenaed me to give just cause to why this building should not be condemned. I’m calling the police! I mean it, by God!

4 January 1999


Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be a witness to Eleven Lords–a–Leaping on that many maids and ladies. They took those broads like Grant took Richmond and many will never walk exactly right again. I wasn’t the only witness, by the way. The "60 Minutes" camera crew and staff are just loading up their cameras and equipment on a chartered plane and are racing against time to have the first Christmas Special on Pay–per–View TV. For the record, all 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. As God is my witness, somehow, someday, I’LL GET YOU! I never want to see your fucking face as long as I live.

Miss Violet Monica Habersham


5 January 1999

Mr. Richardson:

We represent your ex-fiancee, Miss Violet Habersham.

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client. The destruction, of course, was total.

All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habersham at the West County Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter, please find attached a summons and complaint for various torts. A warrant for your arrest should arrive shortly.


Anthony Gionetti


Submitted by reader S.P. 

List: More bumper stickers

  • The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  • Born free...taxed to death.
  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
  • I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  • The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  • Earth first...we’ll mine the other planets later.
  • How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
  • Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
  • Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
  • Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
  • Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: Cannibals

Three fine young cannibals were up for induction into manhood. All they needed to do was pass a simple two part test. If they passed the test they would become men. If not, they would be eaten. The chief cannibal called the three young men together and told them that the first part of their test was for each of them to go into the woods and find 10 identical pieces of fruit. The chief dispatched the young men and it wasn’t long before the first young cannibal returned with 10 bananas.

The chief congratulated him upon passing the first part of the test and informed him that the second part of the test consisted of shoving all 10 pieces of fruit up his ass without his face changing expression. The young cannibal got the first banana up his ass but the second banana was more than he could take and he screamed out in pain. He was eaten.

Shortly afterward, the second cannibal returned from the woods with 10 berries. The chief congratulated him upon passing the first part of the test and informed him that the second part of the test consisted of shoving all 10 pieces of fruit up his ass without his face changing expression. The young cannibal began shoving the berries up his ass and got 8 berries up his ass and then suddenly burst out in laughter. He was eaten.

The first two cannibals met up outside the Pearly Gates and the first one said to the second, "Man, what happened to you? You picked the perfect fruit to pass the second part of the test. How could you have blown it?"

The second cannibal said, "I don’t know. All I remember was that I had 2 berries to go, then I looked up and saw Oo-Thrak coming back with pineapples!"

Submitted by reader S.P.

Satire: Lewinsky's autobiography

Possible titles for Monica Lewinsky's forthcoming book:

  • I Suck At My Job
  • What Really Goes Down In The White House
  • How I Blew It In Washington
  • You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
  • Clear and Present Boner
  • Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
  • Going Back for Gore
  • Podium Girl
  • Secret Services to the President
  • Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
  • Deep Inside The Oval Office
  • The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
  • She's Chief of MY Staff!
  • Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
  • How To Beat Off the Government
  • Going Down and Moving Up
  • Members of the Presidential Cabinet
  • Me and My Big Mouth
  • How To Get Ahead in Business

Submitted by reader C.K.

Jokes: For Jews Only


Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer:

"You will die on a Jewish holiday."

"Which one?" Arafat asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."


A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"

She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."

The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?"

She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."


Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.

The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.


"Yes, Strawberries."

"But they are out of season!"

"So, nu, I'll wait...."


Rabbi Friedman, quite Orthodox, did a double-take: there in the restaurant, clearly visible through the large window, was the president of his congregation. And yes, that was a bowl of clam chowder the waitress was setting before him.

As the rabbi watched in horror, the main dish, jumbo shrimp wrapped in bacon was set down next. Oblivious to the rabbi's disgusted visage, the president ate his way through his dinner.

As he left the restaurant, the rabbi accosted him saying: "You, you of all people, leader of the congregation, supposed to be an example, how could you eat such traife!?"

The president asked: "You saw me eat the soup? And the shrimp?"

"Yes, and yes" came the reply.

"Then there is no problem. I ate my food under Rabbinical supervision."

Submitted by reader M.K.