Entertainment

List: Big 10 lightbulbs

Wednesday, 20 October 1999 10:00:02 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

How many Big 10 students does it take to change a lightbulb?

At Michigan it takes two. One to change the bulb and one to explain how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy Leaguer.

At Northwestern it takes three. One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Michigan to get instructions.

At Michigan State it takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three to figure out how to get high off the old one.

At Ohio State it takes five. One to change it, two to talk about how Woody would have done it, and two to throw the old bulb at Michigan students.

At Wisconsin it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At Illinois it takes seven, and each one gets four semester credit hours for it.

At Indiana it takes eight. One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.

At Minnesota it takes twelve. Two to figure out how to screw it in, and ten to find an ugly enough lampshade to match their school colors.

At Penn Sate it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than Penn, and 50 who realize it's all a lie.

At Iowa it takes none. There is no electricity in Iowa.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Drunker

Wednesday, 20 October 1999 10:00:02 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with the wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog."

Joke: Pulled over

Wednesday, 20 October 1999 10:00:02 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

An elderly couple was driving cross country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the Highway Patrol. As she rolls don the window, the officer says, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, who is hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
Then the patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him his license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I been there before, had the worst sex with a woman in my life."
The woman turns to her husband and says, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Ethel

Wednesday, 20 October 1999 10:00:02 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up the corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice, "have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him.
"OK," he said and she went on her way.
While taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got a valid tax permit for that vehicle, madam?"
Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer coaster which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on.
Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding his penis in his hand.
"Oh no," said Ethel, "not the breathalyzer again!"

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Labrador retrievers

Tuesday, 19 October 1999 14:30:02 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Three Labrador retrievers—a brown, yellow and black—are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything—the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

"I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Midnight delivery

Tuesday, 19 October 1999 14:30:02 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Submitted by reader G.H.

Joke: the Pope in New York

Thursday, 14 October 1999 10:00:03 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

So the Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says "POPE".

After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo—and His Holiness doesn't travel light—the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope..." says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in my excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got behind the wheel. He quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.

"Please to be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal.

Then they heard the siren.

"Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license." moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him." said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot."

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor?"

"Bigger."

"Well," asked the chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."

Submitted by reader M.K.

List: Children's books

Thursday, 14 October 1999 10:00:03 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Here's a list of children's books you will probably never see in print:

"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"
"How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

Submitted by reader M.G.

Joke: Nun the wiser

Tuesday, 12 October 1999 17:30:02 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Three nuns are sitting at lunch one day. The first one says, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Lawyer's charity

Tuesday, 12 October 1999 17:30:02 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that you have a yearly income of more than $600,000, yet you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and then replied, "First of all, did your research also show that my mother is dying from a long illness and she has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"Secondly, my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted: "Plus, my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

The lawyer interrupted again, "And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"

Submitted by reader S.S.