Entertainment

Joke: Beethoven's Ninth

Monday, 23 November 1998 11:30:01 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

The Cleveland Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage—about 20 minutes—during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of Dohnyani's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: Madrid

Tuesday, 17 November 1998 11:00:01 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, Señor," the waiter replies.

"What are cojones?" the man asks.

"Señor, cojones," the waiter explains, "they are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and orders it again. But, this time, when the waiter brings out the plate, they are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.

"Cojones, Señor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger."

"Ah, but Señor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Notre Dame

Thursday, 12 November 1998 14:15:01 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?," the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Submitted by reader S.S.

Joke: Chastity

Thursday, 12 November 1998 13:46:01 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he makes his move.

"No thank you." she says politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But it has my husband pretty upset."

Submitted by reader L.M.

Joke: the Romanian Holiday

Thursday, 12 November 1998 13:45:01 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania.

They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control, Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and trudges down the road. After a short while, he sees a light.
He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ, for it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

(Don't page down unless you have a strong stomach...)

(You sure you want to know?)

"Master, Master!... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Submitted by reader E.S.

Joke: the Ski Trip

Friday, 04 September 1998 10:46:01 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said:

"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Submitted by reader G.G.

Joke: Syrian Air Lines

Friday, 04 September 1998 10:16:01 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

The captain of a Syrian airliner sends out a distress message: "Mayday, mayday, mayday, Syrian 174, flame out engine one, we want to land at any airport in the Mid-East that's not in Israel."

No answer.

A short while later he announces, "Mayday, Syrian 174, flame out engines one and two, requesting permission to land at any airport in the Mid-East OTHER than in Israel."

Silence.

A while later the captain announces, "Mayday, Syrian 174, we are desperate. We have lost two engines and are losing the third. We need to land at any airport in the Mid-East OTHER than in Israel."

Still no answer.

Finally, the captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airlines 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport, INCLUDING in Israel."

A voice is heard in the Syrian airline cockpit:

"Shalom Syrian 174, Tel Aviv Approach. Radar contact over the Mediterrenean, eight-five west of Tel Aviv. We stand ready to assist."

"God bless you," says the Syrian pilot. "What should we do?"

"Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitkadash..."

Submitted by reader L.P.

Joke: Hillary's Question

Thursday, 03 September 1998 17:16:01 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Submitted by reader S.S.

Joke: the Dermatologist

Friday, 28 August 1998 16:45:01 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

A woman walks into a dermatologist's office complaining of a rash. She lifts her shirt and shows the doctor a rash on her chest in the shape of a backwards G.

The dermatologist asks, "How did this happen?"

"Well," she explains, "my boyfriend plays football for Georgia Tech, and he likes to wear his jersey when we have sex."

The doctor accepts this and gives her a lotion for the rash.

The next day another girl walks into his office, and shows him an H-shaped rash on her chest.

"Does your boyfriend play sports?" he asks the girl.

"Actually, yes; he plays lacrosse for Hofstra," she replies. "He likes to wear his jersey when we have sex."

The doctor is way ahead of her, and hands her a prescription as she gets dressed.

A week later, a third girl comes into his office, and shows him an M-shaped rash.

"Let me guess," he says. "Your boyfriend plays for Michigan and likes to wear his jersey when you have sex."

The girl is indignant. "That's disgusting!" she exclaims. "If you must know, my girlfriend goes to Wellesley."

Submitted by reader A.R.

Satire: Star Wars, Episode 1

Thursday, 27 August 1998 10:15:01 EDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Actor Samuel L. Jackson, of Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown fame, will play "Jedi Master Mace Windu" in the upcoming Episode One of the Star Wars series.

braverman.org, having obtained a script on the black market, is pleased to excerpt some of Mace Windu's lines:

"You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for."

"Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker."

"This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room...accept no substitutes."

"If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine."

"Feel the Force, motherfucker."

"What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?"

"You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!"

"Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie."

"Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?"

"Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'BAD MOTHERFUCKER.'"

Submitted by reader B.P.