Four Jewish brothers left home for college, became doctors and prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Chanukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."
"Menachim, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. Such a delicious chicken."
Submitted by reader W.G.
Out in farm country, old Nigel had a different sort of fetish. Every so often he would sneak into a neighbor's farm and go joyriding on a tractor.
After a few of these nocturnal jaunts, which usually resulted in a destroyed farm implement, his neighbors figured out what was happening. A mob of angry farmers chased him halfway around the county, and finally catching him, they beat him badly enough to put him in a wheelchair.
All Nigel could do was look wistfully at the tractors tilling the fields from afar.
But one day, a fire broke out in a neighbor's barn. The smoke was so thick the firefighters couldn't see the flames.
Seeing this, Nigel wheeled over, hopped off the chair, climbed up to the top of the barn, stuck his head in a hole in the roof, sucked out all the smoke, and blew it downwind of the barn.
His neighbors were shocked. One asked him, "How did you do that?"
"Easy," said Nigel. "I'm an ex-tractor fan."
Submitted by reader J.C.
Gina comes from Hard Canny, Merlin.
If you've grown up or lived in Maryland for any part of your
life, you'll find this hits rather close to home.
Maryland is divided into semi-tribal areas called Cannies (i.e., "counties";
e.g., Ballmer Canny, PeeJee Canny, Hard Canny, etc.).
The dialect area is centered on a market center called Glimburny (Glen
Burnie), where the people come on weekends to trade their goods.
Speakers of Merlin dialect are all able to understand standard English from
babyhood, chiefly because of their voracious appetite for television.
However, they invariably refuse to speak standard English, even with
outsiders who obviously are not understanding a word they say.
Lesson 1: Vocabulary
- what you do to wrinkled clothes
- an ocean
- from the sunshine tree
- Arouwn in all directions
- norf, souf, ees, and wess
- what you call a street
- what you take for headaches
- some people like their eggs this way
- Our City
- what the plumber calls your furnace
- a famous railroad
- where you put your clothes
- Bulled Egg
- An egg cooked in water
- ten pins & 3 balls
- Calf Lick
- bleevers are Protestant, Jewish, and ...
- a state gubmit division, such as Anne Arundel or Prince George's
- Chest Peak
- A large nearby body of water
- A white vegetable
- Downey Owe Shin
- Summertime destination "Down to the ocean," often to a place such as Ayshun City
- Droodle Pork
- Druid Hill Park
- Such as tulips
- Faren Gins
- Red trucks that put out fires
- Hi Hon
- How we always say "hello"
- Highland Town
- How we say "Did you eat?"
- where the books are
- The grassy area between lanes of a highway
- Our State
- Nap Lis
- State of Merlin capital
- Nattie Boh
- beer that goes great with steamed crabs
- Ole Bay
- What our crabs taste like
- Not a cookie, but our baseball team
- That strip of cement that you walk on
- Power mower
- what's hangin in the frame on the wall
- Those guys in uniform that git ya when you're speeding
- Hot water that cleans you in the morning
- Sem elem
- Seven Eleven
- where you sit on a summer evenin
- What you get when you work too hard
- What we do with dirty clothes
- What we drink (can also be Wooter)
- Those glass things that we look out of
- Warshinton DeeCee
- Capitol of America
- where you warsh yer dishes
Submitted by reader G.B.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before we kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the
blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed: "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but we will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but we will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully—for the last time, I said: 'BRING POSSE!'"
Submitted by reader M.B.
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest
said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You
may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You
may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine. The Priest assured her that the
food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. "It is your 15th Anniversary here, Sister.
You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since
you got here."
Submitted by reader M.B.
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a quit-smoking patch on it.
He turns to the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other priest replies, "It's working just fine for me. I'm down to two butts a day."
Submitted by reader B.P.
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks
out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as
they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I
have seen in America."
President Bush says, "Well, your Excellency, anything I
can do to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show
Star Trek and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never
any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any
Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and
whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
Submitted by reader B.P.
Sister Mary Margaret was 60, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. Then one afternoon early in the spring this priest came to chat with her, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.
Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary Margaret has flipped or something! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. And of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the strange floater; but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Sister," he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Submitted by reader J.T.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. (Scroll slowly, as each answer follows immediately.)
The questions are NOT difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator.
Wrong answer. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to a worldwide consulting company, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. The consulting company says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Submitted by reader E.C.
Some important theological questions are answered if we think of God as a computer programmer.
- Does God control everything that happens in my life?
- He could, if He used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.
- Why does God allow evil to happen?
- God thought He eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
- Does God know everything?
- He likes to think so, but He is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnight job.
- What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
- If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and He logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.
- Did God really create the world in seven days?
- He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day He went home and found out His girlfriend had left Him.
- How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
- That was the development phase of the project, and now we are in the maintenance phase.
- Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
- A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt that it will ever be implemented.
- Who is Satan?
- Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
- What is the role of sinners?
- Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Submitted by reader D.B.