The Daily Parker - Jokes

Mashing up song lyrics

David Braverman — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 18:53:25 GMT

Via Sullivan, a little piece of awesomeness to brighten your day. Example:

Caution

David Braverman — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 14:53:53 GMT

Brilliant:

Major spill at BP HQ

David Braverman — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 14:10:16 GMT

Via Talking Points Memo:

I bet he felt like a real S

David Braverman — Sun, 30 May 2010 23:12:40 GMT

Via Failblog:

On the way to get my 3rd term grades

David Braverman — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 19:07:23 GMT

I discovered this joke from the head of Duke's CCMBA IT department:

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

And 24 hours from now, I'll be somewhere over Minnesota on my way to Shanghai...

Episodes V and VI

David Braverman — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 14:37:46 GMT

Before continuing yesterday's list of Star Wars lines that only a 14-year-old could love, I need to tip my hat to reader AS who found this sparkling diamond of a list. Change one word in a Star Wars quote to "pants" and you get, for example, "I find your lack of pants disturbing," or, "In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering." Fascinating that the list includes lines from all six movies, and yet only lines from the first three made it into the top 20.

Here's a clue. Here are the top 10 lines from The Empire Strikes Back:

"And I thought they smelled bad...on the OUTSIDE!"
"Possible he came in through the south entrance."
"I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?"
"Hurry up, golden rod..."
"That's OK, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
"But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."
"Control, control! You must learn control."
"There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
"I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"

And from Return Of The Jedi:

"I need more men."
"Our instructions are to give it only to Jabba himself."
"Thanks for coming after me."
"Rise, my friend."
"I can't do it, R2."
"Look, I want you to take her."
"I'm endangering the mission. I shouldn't have come."
"General Solo, somebody's coming."
"I have felt him, my master." "Strange that I have not."
"Back door. Good Idea!"

Further evidence that Lucas lost his art when he did the first three.

Star Wars Episode 4: A New Misunderstanding

David Braverman — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 14:36:37 GMT

Did you ever wonder about these lines from the original Star Wars?

"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
"Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
"Look at the size of that thing!"
"Sorry about the mess..."
"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
"Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?"
"You've got something jammed in here real good."
"Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
"Luke, at that speed, do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
"Get in there, you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"

Looked at a certain way—i.e., like a 14-year-old would—they're kind of funny.

Bonus 11th line, from reader SSH: "Take care of yourself, Han. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it?"

Reconnected

David Braverman — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 23:38:54 GMT

Diane and I completely unplugged this weekend so I'm spending the evening catching up. I'll have photos probably Tuesday, depending how crazy tomorrow goes for me. Meanwhile, a joke from one of my clients:

A noob used the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why he had such a long password, he said he was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Beer for Health-Care Reform

David Braverman — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 19:17:02 GMT

Heh:

Triangulating lolcats

David Braverman — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 15:22:51 GMT

Funny on so many levels:

Happy new year!

David Braverman — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 16:09:08 GMT

Happy 22!

That's a little geek humor. See, 01/01/10 is 22. Get it?

You know, like, "There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't"?

Right. Starting off the year well, I can see....

Great moments in trivia contests

David Braverman — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 22:51:38 GMT

A bunch of people went over to Ruckus Pizza on Wednesday for their weekly trivia contest. I do much better at College Bowl-type quizzes, and this one was all pop culture, but that didn't diminish the company and the pizza. All good.

The second round featured advertising slogans. See if you can find one product for which all these slogans work beautifully:

"The quicker picker-upper"
Two for me, none for you
Get up to four hours longer
Makes mouth happy
Stress stinks, ____ works
Any time's a good time for ___

Answer...

Totally inappropriate, totally hilarious

David Braverman — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 22:39:42 GMT

From reader DW, a Durex commercial not likely to run in Alabama (obviously after the jump)...

OEM virus protection

David Braverman — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:17:49 GMT

I don't know where this came from originally, but...well, look:

(Full size after the jump.)

Most. Useful. Site. Ever.

David Braverman — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 13:54:30 GMT

Via reader MS, the instant rimshot.

Homesick for L.A.?

David Braverman — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 07:37:31 GMT

From reader DK:

Because love means never having to say...

David Braverman — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 19:48:57 GMT

you're resigning:

(Via Talking Points Memo.)

The front fell off

David Braverman — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 13:05:18 GMT

Australian comedy duo John Clarke and Brian Dawe comment on the 1991 Kikri oil spill:

It all makes sense now...

David Braverman — Fri, 29 May 2009 18:19:23 GMT

Via Andrew Sullivan, "Total Eclipse of the Heart"—the literal version:

Punzun Ltd. approves this message

David Braverman — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 14:44:14 GMT

I have a Daily Dilbert desk calendar. Here is today's strip:

Had to share.

Lolfed

David Braverman — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 03:17:56 GMT

Via Krugman, Bernanke lolfed:

Marche de l'Empereur

David Braverman — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 18:38:18 GMT

From my dad, an advertisement for Canal + Plus:

Perfect Hallowe'en costume

David Braverman — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 02:08:44 GMT

One of my oldest surviving friends says she's going as Sarah Palin for Hallowe'en. After all, what could be more frightening?

Unexpected laughter this afternoon

David Braverman — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:47:46 GMT

Not the most fun day of my life—let's skip why—but arriving home and checking the blogs, I let out a guffaw at Calculated Risk's post this morning. Sadly, though, it means I'm a big nerd.

Someone was bound to do it

David Braverman — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 22:35:01 GMT

TPM Media gives you: the McCain-Palin Lipstick Pig:

(I mean, someone had to, right?)

Not my company, but I feel for people

David Braverman — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 13:56:18 GMT

A day in the life of many corporations, via Dilbert:

Palin nomination

David Braverman — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 16:25:39 GMT

Come to think of it, perhaps the McCain campaign picked the wrong Palin. Perhaps they meant Michael?

Killing two birds

David Braverman — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:29:20 GMT

Via Calculated Risk, a cartoon about one solution to the energy crisis:

BBC identifies world's oldest known joke

David Braverman — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 19:53:22 GMT

Via Scott Adams: Apparently, the Sumerians thought farts were funny:

Academics have compiled a list of the most ancient gags and the oldest, harking back to 1900BC, is a Sumerian proverb from what is now southern Iraq.

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap," goes the joke.

Those ancient rubes. We're much more advanced today.

Identity theft?

David Braverman — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 16:33:49 GMT

Via Bruce Schneier:

Error messages you don't want to see

David Braverman — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 13:54:14 GMT

From old college buddy JWL, Thirty error messages you never want to see:

Wheat price increase foretells great doom: Daily Mash

David Braverman — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 13:12:26 GMT

The UK humor site Daily Mash has a different take than, say, the Chicago Tribune:

THE price of a bushel of wheat rose yet again in the markets of Flanders yesterday presaging a monstrous tribulation and a grave rise in the price of mead, the Lord High Guardian of the King's Purse has warned.

...

The noble lord forewarned that a time of privation would surely be visited on the kingdom, when the peasant would find himself cast from his wretched midden and the knight dispossessed of his estates by the grubby moneychangers of old Lombard Street.

Bill Cliton: Screw It, I'm Running for President

David Braverman — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 19:51:45 GMT

From the Onion, via Marc Andreesen:

CHARLESTON, SC—After spending two months accompanying his wife, Hillary, on the campaign trail, former president Bill Clinton announced Monday that he is joining the 2008 presidential race, saying he "could no longer resist the urge."

...

Clinton also noted that, if elected, the timing would be perfect for his family, as his wife has recently expressed a desire to move back to the D.C. area.

My new favorite joke

David Braverman — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 02:52:30 GMT

A priest, a rabbi, and a giraffe walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Interview skills

David Braverman — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 12:49:07 GMT

Today's Dilbert.

Lolcats

David Braverman — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 16:55:49 GMT

Via PC Magazine through I Can Has Cheezburger?:

A real Trojan horse

David Braverman — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 18:25:34 GMT

Via security guru Bruce Schneier, an actual, real-world Trojan Horse that gets in...well, almost everywhere.

It was you, Fredo.

David Braverman — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 02:11:03 GMT

The Onion weighs in on Alberto Gonzales' usefulness.

Ode to the little birdie

David Braverman — Wed, 30 May 2007 11:32:00 GMT

I found myself thinking about this lilting ditty around 5 this morning:

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.

Peter Sagal on the passing of a legend

David Braverman — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 14:44:37 GMT

I'm just now listening to the podcast of last Saturday's Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! Host Peter Sagal had this to say about entertainer Don Ho, who died last week:

Sagal: He also did his patriotic part to populate his home state. He is survived by 10 children, 15 grandchildren, 19 great-grandchildren, and 2 great-great-grandchildren.

Adam Felber: Ho, Ho, Ho!

Sagal: I'm sorry, I was just thinking: He had all these babies...in diapers...that means dozens of nappy-bottomed Hos.

Oy.

Link roundup

David Braverman — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 14:36:12 GMT

Share and enjoy:

"Get Fuzzy" with a timely strip. (The record this season is 4-6, which puts them in last place.)
From reader MB, a look at what your desktop icons do at night.
Why "Everybody Hates Don Imus" (sub.req.) from New York Times columnist Frank Rich.

And also from reader MB, some bumper stickers we'd like to see:

Even Nixon Resigned
We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

Fun with Google Maps

David Braverman — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 16:01:49 GMT

I suppose this route would get me from Chicago to London. It just seems inconvenient. (Thanks to reader RB.)

About this Blog

David Braverman — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 15:23:06 GMT

I'm David Braverman, this is my blog, and Parker is my 8-month-old mutt.

Jewish humor

David Braverman — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 18:48:47 GMT

From my mom:

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.

Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practices.

After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. "Well, I figured out their secret", he announces.

"What? Tell us! Tell us!", his teammates shout.

"We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row."

Today's Daily Parker

David Braverman — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 23:32:55 GMT

Here's the deal: I forgot to download the photos for today's DP from my camera. I won't get to do it before midnight UTC (6 pm Central Time). So this isn't really a TDP. It's just an explanation of why there's no DP today.

On the other hand, I didn't figure to have a TDP tomorrow. So tomorrow's DP will be today's. Follow?

In other shocking news, Britney Spears filed for divorce today. Speaking of silly puppies.

Much to atone for

David Braverman — Mon, 02 Oct 2006 15:28:24 GMT

Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement. Observant Jews will spend the day in shul, but of course they will have to walk there since it's a high holiday. Humor, however, is permitted. Therefore, if you're Jewish, today you can pun but you can't ride.

Something has changed

David Braverman — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 18:37:44 GMT

I'm David Braverman, and this is my blog.

This blog has actually been around for nearly a year, giving me time to figure out what I wanted to do with it. Initially, I called it "The WASP Blog," the acronym meaning "Weather, Anne, Software, and Politics." It turns out that I have more than four interests, and I post to the blog a lot, so those four categories got kind of large.

If you're supremely bored

David Braverman — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 19:33:58 GMT

Pop something.

Cultural exchange...or train wreck?

David Braverman — Thu, 27 Jul 2006 14:50:08 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGoRo-nPLOM

Unintentionally funny domain names

David Braverman — Fri, 14 Jul 2006 17:58:24 GMT

Found over at Action Squad: http://independentsources.com/2006/07/12/worst-company-urls/.