The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: the Pig

A young guy starts work on a ranch, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he ain't dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

Submitted by reader B.P.

Joke: the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three men, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man.

He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair!"

Submitted by reader B.P.

Joke: the Whales

A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance. He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago.

So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents. She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.

So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.

Finally the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean. The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away.... So the male whale swims over to her, and asks her what is wrong. She huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I'm going to swallow the seamen."

Submitted by reader B.P.

Joke: the Van

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van—you know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that—and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!"

Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "Wow! Looks like you've got a bad case of 'Van-aerial' disease!"

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: At the Pearly Gates

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.

Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl.

"Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

"As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

Submitted by reader J.S.

List: Bumper stickers

  • Dyslexics have more fnu.
  • Clones are people two.
  • Entropy isn't what it used to be.
  • Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
  • Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
  • Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
  • 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
  • A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
  • A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
  • Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
  • COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Editing is a rewording activity.
  • Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
  • Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
  • Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
  • I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
  • My reality check just bounced.
  • Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
  • Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!
  • My other wife is beautiful.
  • The flogging will continue until morale improves.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Three mice

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies:

"Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Humor: Condom slogans

  • 7-Up Condoms: Crisp and clean, and no caffeine.
  • ABC Condoms: Still the one
  • ABC Sports Condoms: The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat.
  • American Airlines Condoms: Something special in the air.
  • AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
  • Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
  • Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
  • Bud Lite Condoms: Tastes Great, Less Filling.
  • California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
  • Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
  • CBS condoms: Welcome home
  • Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
  • Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
  • Delta Airlines travel pack Condoms: Delta is ready when you are.
  • Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
  • Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
  • Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
  • Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
  • FedEx Condoms: When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
  • Flintstones Vitamins Condom: Ten million strong and growing.
  • Folger's condoms: The best part of waking up...
  • Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
  • General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
  • KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
  • Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
  • M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
  • Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
  • Macy's Condoms: Cause we're a part of your life
  • McDonald's Condoms: Billions and billions served
  • MCI Condoms: For friends and family
  • Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
  • Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
  • NBC Condoms: Now more than ever. (Also Proud as a peacock.)
  • New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey--you never know.
  • Nike Condoms: Just do it.
  • One-A-Day Vitamin Condoms: For everybody, there's a One-A-Day
  • Pringles condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop
  • Republican Party Condoms: Just say no.
  • Sears Condoms: There's MORE for your life...
  • Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
  • State Farm Condoms: Like a good neighbor...
  • Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
  • The Sears latex Condoms: One coat is good for the entire winter.
  • The Star Trek Condoms: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
  • Tony Blair's Condoms: The New Labour.
  • Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
  • United Airlines travel pack Condoms: Fly United.
  • UPS Condoms: Moving at the speed of business
  • Wendy's Condoms: Where's the beef?
  • X-Files condoms: Trust No One

List: Star Wars lines

How many remember this classic from the early days of the Internet?

Top 10 Sexually Tilted Lines In Star Wars: A New Hope

  1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
  2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
  3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
  4. "Sorry about the mess..."
  5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
  6. "Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?"
  7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
  8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
  9. "Luke, at that speed, do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
  10. "Get in there, you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!"

Top 10 Sexually Tilted Lines In The Empire Strikes Back

  1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the OUTSIDE!"
  2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
  3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?"
  4. "Hurry up, golden rod..."
  5. "That's OK, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
  6. "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."
  7. "Control, control! You must learn control."
  8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
  9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
  10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"

Top 10 Sexually Tilted Lines In Return Of The Jedi

  1. "I need more men."
  2. "Our instructions are to give it only to Jabba himself."
  3. "Thanks for coming after me."
  4. "Rise, my friend."
  5. "I can't do it, R2."
  6. "Look, I want you to take her."
  7. "I'm endangering the mission. I shouldn't have come."
  8. "General Solo, somebody's coming."
  9. "I have felt him, my master." "Strange that I have not."
  10. "Back door. Good Idea!"

Satire: Dr Seuss, Tech Writer

Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.

You can't say this? What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you might as well reboot it and then go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, man, that sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.

Submitted by reader C.K.