The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: Redneck Jedi Knights

Your Jedi might be a redneck if...

  • he uses his lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer
  • he says, "These are not the beers you're looking for"
  • that "Disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans and spareribs
  • the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside
  • he calls his young apprentice, "Hoss"
  • he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up
  • the Force isn't the only thing that runs in the family
  • he calls Hank Williams "master"
  • his landspeeder has a gun rack
  • he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs
  • he got his light saber by sending in 750 "Camel cash" tickets
  • his sister chooses him over Han Solo
  • he calls Yoda his "Li'l green buddy."
  • he has ever said, "Anger... fear...agression...Yankees...the dark side are they."
  • his father's name is Garth Vader
  • his lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base
  • there is more oil in his robes than in his astromech droid
  • he has ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling
  • he trims his beard and finds a Mynock
  • he has ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill
  • he offends Jawas with his B.O.
  • he fights with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other
  • he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck
  • he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD
  • his Jedi robe is camouflage-colored
  • at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored
  • he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
  • he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
  • his father ever said to him, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark'll be a hoot."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: the Widow

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant: one room and the normal follow-up to that.

Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood, nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her, he asks, "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night, the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit, except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to make a Shiva call."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Eulogy for a Dog

Morris in Brooklyn lived in a big home with his pet dog that he loved for 12 years. His best and only companion. The dog died, and a heartbroken Morris went to the Rabbi of his congregation and asked, "Rebbe, my dog is dead. Could you please offer a prayer for this faithful creature?"

The Rabbi replied, "No, we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue, but nearby there is a new temple that opened, no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services for an animal."

Morris said, "So I'll go see them now. Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The Rebbe replied, "So why didn't you tell me the dog was Orthodox?"

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Last Rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

A policeman checks the crowd: no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

Submitted by reader B.P.

Joke: Newlyweds

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Firmness

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"

Submitted by reader M.B.

Obituary: Pop 'n Fresh

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, also known as the "Pillsbury Dough Boy," died Monday of a yeast infection. He was 31. Fresh was buried Thursday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities attended, including Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, the Keebler Elves and Hungry Jack. The graveside was pilled high with flours; longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He wasn't considered a smart cookie and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children—and one in the oven.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: In Hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Carl, Bob, and Brett. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was four feet tall, dirty, and they could smell her even over the Brimstone.

They heard the voice of the Devil: "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over seven feet tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair and flies.

The Devil said: "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of...Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.

Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned...."

Submitted by reader L.P.

Joke: the Substitute

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."

Priest says: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest says, "What did you do?"

Man says, "I committed adultery."

Priest asks, "How many times?"

Man replys, "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi says, "What did you do?"

Woman replys, "I committed adultery."

Rabbi asks, "How many times?"

Woman says, "Once."

Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times! We have a special this week: three for $5.00!"

Submitted by reader C.K.

List: Alcohol warnings

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

  1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
  3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
  6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
  8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
  9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bruiser.
  10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
  12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause variations in your time-space continuum, wherein small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
  13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Submitted by reader C.K.