A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A man walks up and gives the octopus a guitar. The octopus starts playing better than Yngwie Malmsteen, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Chuck Mangione. So the man pays his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye canna play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
Submitted by reader B.P.
Two rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the rednecks, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second redneck.
"Sorry, it's three," said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one redneck said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
Submitted by reader S.P.
An old woman went to visit her daughter and found her naked, waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"
She responds, "This is the dress of love."
"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."
Submitted by reader S.P.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but
He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He
decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple
that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple,
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me!
I'd love to oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability.
It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals.
I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write
my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who You give that gift to,
let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told
God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it.
It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she
really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his
misdirection while in a vertical
position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting
down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into His bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here?
Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..."
Submitted by reader M.B.
Here are some Country & Western hits not likely to make the top 10:
- "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Till She Chose Somebody Else)"
- "Stand by Your Mensch"
- "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?"
- "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
- "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
- "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
- "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
- "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
- "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
- "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom,' I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
- "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
- "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
- "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"
Submitted by reader M.B.
There was once a medical student specializing in pathology who truly wanted to excel in his studies. Without fail, he would daily visit the school's path lab following his classes to do extra work.
One evening he uncovered a cadaver only to notice a cork plugging its rectum. Curious, he removed the cork only to hear, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..."
Startled, he replaced the cork. Curiosity soon got the best of him and he,once again, removed the cork. Again, he heard the same tune, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..."
He could stand it no more. He replaced the cork, covered the cadaver and raced upstairs to his professor's office. He persuaded the man to accompany him back to the lab. Once there, the student again uncovered the cadaver and displayed the corked rectum. The professor looked unfazed. When the student removed the cork, the same tune emanated: "On the road again, I just...".
The professor looked bored and started to walk away. The student was aghast at this casual response. He said to the professor, "Don't you find this amazing?"
The professor replied, "Not really. Most any asshole can sing country."
Submitted by reader M.B.
A man pulls off the road when he sees his producer friend with a wrecked car off on the side. The car is a total loss, covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Oh," the friend responds, "I hit an agent."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about all the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, to catch him, I had to chase him all through the park."
Submitted by reader M.B.
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.
"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby look!" said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta' died."
Submitted by reader M.B.
Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness.
They left in the early morning hours and went home their
separate ways. The next day, they all met for an early pint,
and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying,
"I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as
I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell,
I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree
I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by
far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with the wife,
knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys,
I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog."