The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Satire: Martha's Etiquette for Rednecks

Tuesday, 25 July 2000 08:15:00 CDT David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Generally

  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  • Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home

  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
  • However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

  • Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

  • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  • Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Submitted by reader D.L.

Satire: Star Wars, Episode 5

Friday, 25 February 2000 14:00:00 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Courtesy of some die hard Star Wars fans, it has been learned that there's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of The Empire Strikes Back that is due out in April 2000. The heretofore unknown and unseen footage expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1...

The Empire Strikes Back: Directors Cut

INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry.

A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft.

Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed my father!

Darth Vader: No, Luke: I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: It's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday...

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: Boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up!

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated all the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon. And I could shoot womp rats on a flyby...

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... (grasps crotch) Right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: You know? I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose kid you are. Maybe that wimp Obi Wan. Whatever, you sure ain't no kid of mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader (yells): Get a haircut you hippie!

END

Submitted by reader T.K.

Joke: The Amazing Goldstein

Wednesday, 23 February 2000 13:30:00 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't miss the Amazing Goldstein!"

Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts—animals, clowns, contortionists, and other questionable acts. Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, in the middle of the ring, is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants and whips out a long shlong and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three swings!

The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of clowns.

Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein" banner. He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act!

Again he buys a ticket sits through the acts and again the center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on the table and old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing weapon and the crowd goes crazy!

The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In his dressing room he tells him he's never seen anything like the act. But he wants to know why he is now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.

"Vell," says Goldstein, "my eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Older folks' memories

Friday, 18 February 2000 22:30:00 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

An 80-year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to he doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Submitted by reader A.O.

Poem: Ode to the little birdie

Tuesday, 15 February 2000 11:01:00 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his fucking head.

Submitted by reader M.B.

List: Ineffective daily affirmations

Tuesday, 15 February 2000 11:00:00 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Submitted by reader J.H.

Joke: Single woman

Tuesday, 15 February 2000 11:00:00 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

  • 1 bar of soap
  • 1 toothbrush
  • 1 tube of toothpaste
  • 1 loaf of bread
  • 1 pint of milk
  • 1 single serving of cereal
  • 1 single serving frozen dinner
  • 1 can of Soup For One
  • 1 16oz can of Miller Lite

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

Submitted by reader A.B.

Joke: Give us a push

Tuesday, 15 February 2000 11:00:00 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

This bloke's in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside.

"Eh mate" says the stranger, "Can you give us a push?"

"No, piss off, it's half three. I was in bed," says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a bastard. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to piss off?"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" and he replies: "I'm over here on the swings."

Submitted by reader M.G.

Joke: the Jigsaw Puzzle

Monday, 14 February 2000 14:30:00 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

One morning this [insert ethnic group here] calls his friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

His friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

He says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

His friend figures that she's pretty good at puzzles, so she heads over to his place. He lets her in the door and shows her to where he has the puzzle spread all over the table.

She studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. She then turns to him and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: the Enchanted Snake

Monday, 14 February 2000 14:30:00 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot! I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunkhouse you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunkhouse. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I was riding the mare!"

Submitted by reader S.P.