The Daily Parker

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman at a nearby table.

She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note reads:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends a reply to her, which reads:

"I happen to have a Ferrari Testarossa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; and I have a net worth well over twenty-million dollars. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

Submitted by reader M.G.

A very good and pious Jewish man, Samuel Goldberg, dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.

When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time...nothing but mitzvahs. Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."

The angel thought for a moment and then says, "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to be anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."

The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his apartment. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, an 85 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his apartment. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.

Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on. Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've done."

Submitted by reader M.B.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew—gems in the rough all of them—more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will, if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fuckin' drywall," replied the little girl.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says,"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs!"

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Submitted by reader N.A.

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It is the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and the gas in the fuel truck back at the airport.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.

Submitted by reader S.P.