The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: Nun the wiser

Three nuns are sitting at lunch one day. The first one says, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Jewish marriage

A Jewish boy is going off to college, and his father says to him: "Look, we've never been a religious family, so I'm not expecting you to become suddenly religious. But promise me one thing: You won't marry a shiksa."

The boy promises this and assures his father that he won't.

Sure enough, his senior year at school he falls in love with a beautiful Irish girl. She loves him too, but he tells her he can't marry her because she's not Jewish.

"Don't worry," she says. "I'll convert."

After serious study, the girl converts. They marry and go off on their honeymoon in Monaco. Four weeks later, back at home, Saturday morning at 8:00, the phone rings at their house. It's the boy's father. He's livid.

"You know the last Saturday of every month we go over the books at the office. Why aren't you here?"

"I can't come," the boy says. "My wife says it's forbidden. It's Shabbat. We're heading off to shul."

"I told you not to marry a shiksa," the father screams.

Submitted by reader E.S.

Joke: the Banking frog

A large green frog hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter and says to the teller, "I want a loan."

The teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall, and the name on the door says 'Patricia Wack.'"

So the frog hops off the counter, down the hall and to Mrs. Wack's office. He jumps up on her desk and says, "I want a loan."

Mrs. Wack, quite puzzled, gives the standard line, "We must have some collateral to secure the loan."

At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan.

So Patricia picks up the ceramic lion, goes in to the bank president's office, places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells her, "I have this frog in my office who says he wants a loan, and this is what he has to secure it. I don't even know what this thing is."

The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Mrs. Wack, looks back at the ceramic lion and finally says:

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Valentines

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Submitted by reader B.P.

Pun: Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Therefore, he came to be known as a "super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: the Elder Driver

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Submitted by reader M.K.

Joke: Mortality

At a small gathering, talk grows serious when a minister asks three men this question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear someone say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear someone say, 'LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!'"

Submitted by reader J.H.

Joke: Christian Pets

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Ice fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen water. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly—from the sky—a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos cup of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, I'm the ice rink manager!"

Submitted by reader M.B.

Aviation definitions

Suggest a definition.

These definitions come directly from Federal Aviation Regulations parts 1 and 91, unless noted.

aircraft - large
means aircraft of more than 12,500 pounds maximum certificated takeoff weight.
aircraft - small
means aircraft of 12,500 pounds or less, maximum certificated takeoff weight.
airspeed - calibrated
Indicated airspeed of an aircraft, corrected for position and instrument error. Calibrated airspeed is equal to true airspeed in standard atmosphere at sea level.
airspeed - indicated
means the speed of an aircraft as shown on its pitot static airspeed indicator calibrated to reflect standard atmosphere adiabatic compressible flow at sea level uncorrected for airspeed system errors.
airspeed - true
means the airspeed of an aircraft relative to undisturbed air.
category - aircraft
As used with respect to the certification of aircraft, means a grouping of aircraft based upon intended use or operating limitations. Examples include: transport; normal; utility; acrobatic; limited; restricted; and provisional.
category - pilot certification
As used with respect to the certification, ratings, privileges, and limitations of pilots, means a broad classification of aircraft. Examples include: airplane; rotorcraft; glider; and lighter-than-air.
the height above the earth's surface of the lowest layer of clouds or obscuring phenomena that is reported as "broken," "overcast" or "obscuration" and not classified as "thin" or "partial".
means Certificated Flight Instructor.
class - aircraft
As used with respect to the certification of aircraft, means a broad grouping of aircraft having similar characteristics of propulsion, flight or landing. Examples include: airplane; rotorcraft; glider; balloon; landplane and seaplane.
class - pilot certification
As used with respect to the certification, ratings, privileges, and limitations of airmen, means a classification of aircraft within a category having similar operating characteristics. Examples include: single engine; multiengine; land; water; gyroplane, helicopter; airship; and free balloon.
controlled airspace
means an airspace of defined dimensions within which air traffic control service is provided to IFR flights and to VFR flights in accordance with the airspace classification. Note: Controlled airspace is a generic term that covers Class A, Class B, Class C, Class D, and Class E airspace.
means a person assigned to perform duty in an aircraft during flight time.
means the period of time between the beginning of morning civil twilight and the end of evening civil twilight. (Implied by FAR 1.)
Federal Aviation Regulations, Title 14 of the U.S. Code of Federal Regulations.
flight level
means a level of constant atmospheric pressure related to a reference datum of 29.92 inches of mercury (1013.25 hPa). Each is stated in three digits that represent hundreds of feet. For example, flight level 250 represents a barometric altimeter indication of 25,000 feet; flight level 255, an indication of 25,500 feet.
flight plan
means specified information, relating to the intended flight of an aircraft, that is filed orally or in writing with air traffic control.
flight time
means pilot time that commences when an aircraft moves under its own power for the purpose of flight and ends when the aircraft comes to rest after landing.
flight time - cross-country
means flight time on any flight in which the point of departure is a straight-line distance of 92 km (50 Nmi) from the point of arrival. FAR 61.1(b)(3)(ii)(B)

The FARs are unclear about whether this means the point of first arrival or all legs of a round-robin flight, but it appears—and we log it so—that after the first 50 Nmi leg, all subsequent legs of the same flight count as cross-country time. We would appreciate your comments on this point.
flight time - dual
means flight time during which a (CFI) is present. A pilot with the proper certificates and ratings for the aircraft flown may still log pilot in command time while flying dual.
flight time - instrument
A person may log instrument time only for that flight time when the person operates the aircraft solely by reference to instruments under actual or simulated instrument flight conditions. FAR 61.51(g)
flight time - pilot in command
A recreational, private, or commercial pilot may log pilot-in-command time only for that flight time during which that person (i) is the sole manipulator of the controls of an aircraft for which the pilot is rated; (ii) is the sole occupant of the aircraft; or (iii) except for a recreational pilot, is acting as pilot in command of an aircraft on which more than one pilot is required under the type certification of the aircraft or the regulations under which the flight is conducted.

A student pilot may log pilot-in-command time when the student pilot (i) is the sole occupant of the aircraft... (ii) has a current solo flight endorsement as required under FAR 61.87; and (iii) is undergoing training for a pilot certificate or rating. FAR 61.51(e)
flight time - solo
A pilot may log as solo flight time only that flight time when the pilot is the sole occupant of the aircraft. FAR 61.51(d) A supervised solo is a solo flight in which a CFI observes the student from the ground while the student conducts traffic pattern operations.
Instrument Flight Rules, FAR 91.167 et seq. An IFR flight is a flight for which the pilot files an IFR flight plan and conforms to the appropriate Instrument Flight Rules. It doesn't mean that the pilot can't see the ground, or that the flight even requires instruments. However, any time the pilot does not have a visual reference to the ground, IFR applies. Cf. VFR, MVFR.
IFR conditions
means weather conditions below the minimum for flight under visual flight rules. (Also called "IMC," for "Instrument Meterological Conditions.")
A meteorological aviation report, formatted according to the Federal Meteorological Handbook.
Altitude above mean sea level.
Marginal Visual Flight Rules. When visibility and ceilings are close to, but not below, VFR minimums, pilots can still fly for certain purposes. Usually pilots can only conduct traffic pattern operations under MVFR.
means the time between the end of evening civil twilight and the beginning of morning civil twilight, as published in the American Air Almanac, converted to local time.

When referring to logged flight time, night means the time beginning one hour after sunset and ending one hour before sunrise.
means navigation by visual reference to landmarks.
pilot in command
means the person who (1) has final authority and responsibility for the operation and safety of the flight; (2) has been designated as pilot in command before or during the flight; and (3) holds the appropriate category, class, and type rating, if appropriate, for the conduct of the flight.
special VFR conditions
(SVFR) mean meteorological conditions that are less than those required for basic VFR flight in controlled airspace and in which some aircraft are permitted flight under visual flight rules.
standard atmosphere
The combination of temperature and pressure used as a universal reference, equal to 1013.25 hPa (29.92 in/Hg) at sea level with a temperature of 15°C (59°F). (dab)
speed - best angle of climb
(noted as VX) means the speed at which the airplane will climb at the steepest angle. (dab)
speed - best rate of climb
(noted as VY) means the speed at which the airplane will climb at fastest rate. (dab)
speed - flap extended
(noted as VFE) means the highest speed permissible with wing flaps in a prescribed extended position. Corresponds to the upper limit of the white arc on an airspeed indicator.
speed - ground
The speed of an aircraft relative to the ground.
speed - landing gear extended
(noted as VLE) means the maximum speed at which an aircraft can be safely flown with the landing gear extended.
speed - landing gear operating
(noted as VLO) means the maximum speed at which the landing gear can be safely extended or retracted.
speed - never exceed
(noted as VNE) means the maximum speed at which an aircraft can be safely operated. Corresponds to the upper limit of the yellow arc, and the red line, on an airspeed indicator. (dab)
speed - normal operating
(noted as VNO) means the maximum structural cruising speed of an aircraft. Corresponds to the upper limit of the green arc on an airspeed indicator. (dab)
speed - stall
(noted as VS0) means the speed at which the airplane stall with flaps down; i.e., the slowest indicated airspeed the airplane can fly and still remain airborne. Corresponds to the lower limit of the white arc on an airspeed indicator. (dab)
speed - stall - clean
(noted as VS1) means the speed at which the airplane stall with flaps (and landing gear) up. (dab)
traffic pattern
means the traffic flow that is prescribed for aircraft landing at, taxiing on, or taking off from, an airport.
twilight - astronomical
means that period of time when the center of the sun's disc is higher than 18° below the horizon. Nautical twilight roughly corresponds to the period beginning 90 minutes before sunrise and ending 90 minutes after sunset. During this period, the atmosphere does not scatter any sunlight, making ground-based visual astronomy possible. (dab)
twilight - civil
means that period of time when the center of the sun's disc is higher than 6° below the horizon. Civil twilight roughly corresponds to the period beginning one half-hour before sunrise and ending one half-hour after sunset. (dab)
twilight - nautical
means that period of time when the center of the sun's disc is higher than 12° below the horizon. Nautical twilight roughly corresponds to one hour before sunrise to one hour after sunset. (dab)
Visual Flight Rules. In most classes of airspace, VFR operation requires a specific minimum visibility and ceiling, and requires the pilot to maintain specific distances from clouds. Cf. IFR, MVFR.
visibility - flight
means the average forward horizontal distance, from the cockpit of an aircraft in flight, at which prominent unlighted objects may be seen and identified by day and prominent lighted objects may be seen and identified by night.
visibility - ground
means prevailing horizontal visibility near the earth's surface as reported by the United States National Weather Service or an accredited observer.

Submitted by reader D.B.