The Daily Parker | Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Humor: Email

Thursday, 17 December 1998 19:00:47 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Do you remember this classic from the rough-and-tumble early days of the Internet?

Why Email Is Like a Penis

Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss made over it by those who do have it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously; others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than what its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the same damn dumb things it did before.

Parody: Adopt-a-Player

Wednesday, 16 December 1998 19:00:48 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

With the holiday season approaching, please look into your heart to help those in need.

Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. And, as if that weren't bad enough, they'll be deprived of pay for several weeks—possibly a whole year—as a result of the current lock-out situation.

But now, you can help!

For only $20,835 a month—about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV)—you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the yearly league minimum, but it's a start!

Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida and a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than two months' rent or mortgage payments. But to a Basketball player, $700 will almost replace his daily salary. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

How will I know I'm helping?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned—for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

How will he know I'm helping?

Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Yes, I want to help!

I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star (Higher cost)
[ ] Superstar (Much higher cost)
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific
    team. Cheerleaders not included.)
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

Your Name: _______________________

Telephone Number: _______________________

Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discovery Card

Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-900-TOO-MUCH now to enroll by phone.

Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Contributions are not tax-deductible.

You will truly be blessed during this season of giving.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Sherlock Holmes

Thursday, 10 December 1998 13:00:48 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. By observing its position, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that Our Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

Watson paused, then asked his friend: "Why? What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute before speaking. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Submitted by reader S.S.

List: Men are like…

Thursday, 10 December 1998 13:00:47 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Thanks to L.M. for this one.

Men are like...Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like...Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like...Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like...Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like...Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like...Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like...Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like...Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like...High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like...Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like...Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like...Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Submitted by reader L.M.

Joke: Bible studies

Monday, 07 December 1998 19:00:48 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

A visitor to a small Southern town was admiring the town's Nativity Scene. However, one small feature bothered him: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Unable to come up with an explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You Yankees never did read your Bibles!"

The visitor assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, finally jabbing her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face, she said "Look, it says right here! 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

Submitted by reader J.H.

Joke: Behavior modification

Monday, 07 December 1998 15:31:48 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Joe received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Joe tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Joe put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming--then suddenly there was quiet. Joe was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Joe's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Joe was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Submitted by reader D.B.

List: Rules for Jewish living

Friday, 04 December 1998 14:45:50 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

And last, but certainly not least:

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

Submitted by reader L.M.

List: Too much '90s?

Friday, 04 December 1998 14:45:49 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

The Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the '90s:

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
You have actually faxed or e-mailed your Christmas list to your parents.
Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
You consider 3rd day air delivery painfully slow.
You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. (Or on websites.—ed.)

Submitted by reader M.B.

Letters: the Twelve Days of Christmas

Friday, 04 December 1998 13:15:52 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

25 December 1998

Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

With deepest love and affection,

Violet

26 December 1998

Dearest Bob,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine—two Turtle Doves!! I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable.

My everlasting love,

Violet

27 December 1998

My dear Bob,

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity—Three French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist. You’ve been too kind.

All my love,

Violet

28 December 1998

Dear Bob,

Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now, really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic.

Love,

Violet

29 December 1998

Dear Bob,

What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Gold Rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds can really squawk and they are getting on my nerves.

Affectionately,

Violet

30 December 1998

Bob,

Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese–a–Laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again. Those geese are huge. Where in the name of creation will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, rightly so, and it is impossible to sleep through the racket. Now let this be the end of this.

Cordially,

Violet

31 December 1998

Bob,

What the hell is with you and these fucking birds? Seven Swans–a–Swimming? What kind of a damn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can’t get a damn bit of sleep and I’m a nervous wreck. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.

Sincerely,

Violet

1 January 1999

O.K. Pal!

What in screaming hell am I going to do with Eight Maids–a–Milking? Well, shit, I think I prefer the damn birds! The damn maids–a–milking had to bring their damn cows. There is cow shit all over my lawn and bird shit all over the house. I can’t even move my feet. Just leave me the hell alone, smartass.

Violet

2 January 1999

Listen, Shithead!

You sadistic bastard! I now have Nine Pipers Piping in my front yard and they are standing knee deep in cow shit. This, after chasing those maids all night long. Consequently, upsetting the cows to the point that they are stepping all over the screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

Up yours,

Violet

3 January 1999

You rotten PRICK!

Now there are Ten Ladies Dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts "ladies." They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the damn cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Zoning and the Building Inspector have subpoenaed me to give just cause to why this building should not be condemned. I’m calling the police! I mean it, by God!

4 January 1999

Listen, FUCKHEAD:

Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be a witness to Eleven Lords–a–Leaping on that many maids and ladies. They took those broads like Grant took Richmond and many will never walk exactly right again. I wasn’t the only witness, by the way. The "60 Minutes" camera crew and staff are just loading up their cameras and equipment on a chartered plane and are racing against time to have the first Christmas Special on Pay–per–View TV. For the record, all 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. As God is my witness, somehow, someday, I’LL GET YOU! I never want to see your fucking face as long as I live.

Miss Violet Monica Habersham

LAW OFFICES OF ZAMPARO, FREEDMAN, AND SACHS

5 January 1999

Mr. Richardson:

We represent your ex-fiancee, Miss Violet Habersham.

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client. The destruction, of course, was total.

All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habersham at the West County Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter, please find attached a summons and complaint for various torts. A warrant for your arrest should arrive shortly.

Sincerely,

Anthony Gionetti

Associate

Submitted by reader S.P.

List: More bumper stickers

Friday, 04 December 1998 13:15:49 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Born free...taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Earth first...we’ll mine the other planets later.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Submitted by reader S.P.