The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

List: More bumper stickers

  • The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  • Born free...taxed to death.
  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
  • I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  • The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  • Earth first...we’ll mine the other planets later.
  • How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
  • Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
  • Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
  • Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
  • Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Submitted by reader S.P.

Letters: the Twelve Days of Christmas

25 December 1998

Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

With deepest love and affection,

Violet


26 December 1998

Dearest Bob,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine—two Turtle Doves!! I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable.

My everlasting love,

Violet


27 December 1998

My dear Bob,

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity—Three French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist. You’ve been too kind.

All my love,

Violet


28 December 1998

Dear Bob,

Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now, really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic.

Love,

Violet


29 December 1998

Dear Bob,

What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Gold Rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds can really squawk and they are getting on my nerves.

Affectionately,

Violet


30 December 1998

Bob,

Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese–a–Laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again. Those geese are huge. Where in the name of creation will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, rightly so, and it is impossible to sleep through the racket. Now let this be the end of this.

Cordially,

Violet


31 December 1998

Bob,

What the hell is with you and these fucking birds? Seven Swans–a–Swimming? What kind of a damn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can’t get a damn bit of sleep and I’m a nervous wreck. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.

Sincerely,

Violet


1 January 1999

O.K. Pal!

What in screaming hell am I going to do with Eight Maids–a–Milking? Well, shit, I think I prefer the damn birds! The damn maids–a–milking had to bring their damn cows. There is cow shit all over my lawn and bird shit all over the house. I can’t even move my feet. Just leave me the hell alone, smartass.

Violet


2 January 1999

Listen, Shithead!

You sadistic bastard! I now have Nine Pipers Piping in my front yard and they are standing knee deep in cow shit. This, after chasing those maids all night long. Consequently, upsetting the cows to the point that they are stepping all over the screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

Up yours,

Violet


3 January 1999

You rotten PRICK!

Now there are Ten Ladies Dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts "ladies." They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the damn cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Zoning and the Building Inspector have subpoenaed me to give just cause to why this building should not be condemned. I’m calling the police! I mean it, by God!


4 January 1999

Listen, FUCKHEAD:

Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be a witness to Eleven Lords–a–Leaping on that many maids and ladies. They took those broads like Grant took Richmond and many will never walk exactly right again. I wasn’t the only witness, by the way. The "60 Minutes" camera crew and staff are just loading up their cameras and equipment on a chartered plane and are racing against time to have the first Christmas Special on Pay–per–View TV. For the record, all 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. As God is my witness, somehow, someday, I’LL GET YOU! I never want to see your fucking face as long as I live.

Miss Violet Monica Habersham


LAW OFFICES OF ZAMPARO, FREEDMAN, AND SACHS

5 January 1999

Mr. Richardson:

We represent your ex-fiancee, Miss Violet Habersham.

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client. The destruction, of course, was total.

All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habersham at the West County Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter, please find attached a summons and complaint for various torts. A warrant for your arrest should arrive shortly.

Sincerely,

Anthony Gionetti

Associate

Submitted by reader S.P. 

Joke: Cannibals

Three fine young cannibals were up for induction into manhood. All they needed to do was pass a simple two part test. If they passed the test they would become men. If not, they would be eaten. The chief cannibal called the three young men together and told them that the first part of their test was for each of them to go into the woods and find 10 identical pieces of fruit. The chief dispatched the young men and it wasn’t long before the first young cannibal returned with 10 bananas.

The chief congratulated him upon passing the first part of the test and informed him that the second part of the test consisted of shoving all 10 pieces of fruit up his ass without his face changing expression. The young cannibal got the first banana up his ass but the second banana was more than he could take and he screamed out in pain. He was eaten.

Shortly afterward, the second cannibal returned from the woods with 10 berries. The chief congratulated him upon passing the first part of the test and informed him that the second part of the test consisted of shoving all 10 pieces of fruit up his ass without his face changing expression. The young cannibal began shoving the berries up his ass and got 8 berries up his ass and then suddenly burst out in laughter. He was eaten.

The first two cannibals met up outside the Pearly Gates and the first one said to the second, "Man, what happened to you? You picked the perfect fruit to pass the second part of the test. How could you have blown it?"

The second cannibal said, "I don’t know. All I remember was that I had 2 berries to go, then I looked up and saw Oo-Thrak coming back with pineapples!"

Submitted by reader S.P.

Satire: Lewinsky's autobiography

Possible titles for Monica Lewinsky's forthcoming book:

  • I Suck At My Job
  • What Really Goes Down In The White House
  • How I Blew It In Washington
  • You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
  • Clear and Present Boner
  • Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
  • Going Back for Gore
  • Podium Girl
  • Secret Services to the President
  • Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
  • Deep Inside The Oval Office
  • The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
  • She's Chief of MY Staff!
  • Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
  • How To Beat Off the Government
  • Going Down and Moving Up
  • Members of the Presidential Cabinet
  • Me and My Big Mouth
  • How To Get Ahead in Business

Submitted by reader C.K.